precipice

here we sit on the edge. Our feet hanging over. contemplating the jump. the past year has been amazing. Incredible. Indescribable. Exhausting. and exhilarating. it has all gone too fast. my children – all three of them – have grown and changed in amazing and remarkable ways. I am anxious for a new year. looking forward to all it has to bring. and hesitant at the same time. we have plans. ideas. intentions. and hopes for what the next 365 days will yield. of course there is no way to know what is on the horizon. but I am looking forward to it. and ready to embrace it. hoping for the best. for my family. and yours.

merry merry

this week

we sumo wrestled in the doctors office

we had apple sauce yogurt with a spoon

or we smeared it everywhere

i forgot i was making coffee. twice.

we chatted with the cat

and we rode around in our car with a pink sock monkey

being one is kinda fun!

who needs sleep?

my babies sleep through the night. sometimes. i really can’t complain. most nights either one or both of them is up. but only once. and then i am up at 7 to get hook off to school. and they are pretty much okay until then. most nights. but their progress in the sleep department has in no way improved mine. i am up. usually 3-4 times a night. call it insomnia. or paranoia. or just plain ridiculousness. whatever it is i is weighing on me as of late. i want to sleep. i am tired most of the time. and yet i can’t seem to make it happen. most nights i fall into bed. exhausted from who knows what. and i sleep soundly. for a bit. and then i am up. thinking. planning. remembering. worrying. hoping. time and again. not sure if the sleep deprivation is contributing to it. or feeding off of it. but wow i would love a full night of sleep. obviously not the biggest problem ever. but i have to believe that a little more sleep would go a long way. to maintaining my sanity.

welcome surprises

today i went out to get the mail hoping for a few holiday cards. and there were a few. but much better there was a package as part of the holiday craft exchange organized by An Offering of Love. inside was a great ornament from the ladies over at Romancing the Stork. along with a kind note and a cute xmas card featuring the lovely ladies and their adorable boy. thank you so much for the thoughtful ornament featuring hook, mr. magoo, and cindy lou who. it is a perfect addition to our tree. and your blog was a perfect addition to my blog roll. thank you!

we survived!

relatively unscathed i will say too. friday the wigglers turned one. and yesterday we hosted a little soiree in their honor. or perhaps in our honor for making it through this challenging. amazing. fascinating. awe inspiring. tear inducing. too fast. too slow. first year with twins. we really had no idea what to expect. and even with that i think virtually every facet of this past year exceeded our expectations. having two babies means someone always needs something. it meant when one was sleeping the other was often awake. it has meant two times the mess. two times the diapers. but it has also meant double the smiles. and the sweet sleepy breathes on my neck. two times the laughter. and the fun. the good has definitely outweighed any bad. and i would do it all again. in a second.

and the party. i will admit i was panicking a bit. m is amazing. she loves to make fantastic food. and gorgeous cakes. both of which i appreciate. but it can at times be stressful. and the fact that i spent most of my days talking to babies. and pets. has left me well perhaps a little stilted socially. but i was also excited to see friends. and to celebrate our babies. and the fact that we survived. it all went off without a hitch. as it should have. naps were a little tough yesterday. so that made things more interesting of course. but then people arrived and both magoo and cindy lou who ran about and danced. laughed and smiled. they were all over the house. and then they ate cake. magoo was measured in his efforts. he sized up the cake and stuck a hand in. slowly. picking bits of it off and eating them. i handed him a spoon and he was pleased to feed himself bits of it. cindy lou on the other hand was very excited about cake. she immediately picked up the whole thing. blue frosting and all. and shoved it on her face. she put some on her head. and mashed it about. it was comical. and adorable. in her handmade tutu (by a friend) and thing 2 shirt. i bathed the munchkins and they went off to bed. while we continued to celebrate. it was perfect. and lovely. and i appreciated everyone who made the effort to celebrate our amazing babies with us.

we did indeed survive. and thrived. looking forward to year two!

now we are one

and there it is. the wigglers are one. magoo and cindy lou who. my babies. my little humans. are one. i have no idea how this happened. today was like any other. well almost. all of it was tinged with something. different. magical. amazing. we woke up. and walked hook to the bus. and ate a yummy breakfast. before heading to the post office. and a nap. we know how to live it up around here. there was lunch. and some playing. and another nap. i was able to spend some time with each of my babies. individually. and appreciate their unique and fantastic differences. cindy lou hugged me. at least three times. and magoo fed me carrots. and toast. and finally we opened gifts. the babies of course were more amused by the paper. and the decorations on the gifts than the gifts themselves. it was fantastic. and perfect. this past year has been indescribable. it has gone too fast. and yet i feel like my babies have been here forever. i never knew i could experience such happiness. and fulfillment. they are my miracles. the little people i waited forever for. and they were completely worth the wait. happy birthday my little loves!

monumental

the wigglers first birthday feels monumental. and I’m not sure why. they clearly won’t remember it. despite all of the milestones they have each attained. but there is something more that is perhaps less about them. and more about me. i mean we made it. a year. with twins. and a seven year old. and we are all in relatively good shape. we are healthy. and happy. life is beyond good. it is great. this weekend we will commemorate both the wigglers birthday. and our year with twins. and three children. and me being a stay at home mom. and m as the sole breadwinner. and so very many other things. so maybe that is what it is – the culmination of so very many things – that makes it feel so huge. so incredible. so overwhelming – in a good way. it is indeed monumental. for all of us. and I can’t imagine it any other way.

enough?

i am beginning to fret a bit as we approach the one year mark for the wigglers. have i taken enough pictures? written enough down? stored enough deep in the recesses of my mind that i will be able to think back on these days and smile. or cry. or laugh. or grimace. and the truth is i am sure i have not. even now inside of that first year mark so much of it seems jumbled. the first few days i remember with a remarkable clarity. while most of them anyway. except for that whole postpartum hemorrhaging thing. but after that the months get jumbled. the milestones stack on top of one another. who did what first and when has become jumbled in my head. and yes i have taken pictures. and i have written some things down. and i have done what i could do. tumultuous. the single word that probably best describes the past year. from the days leading up to the wigglers birth until now. i didn’t think i would be fixating on all of this. reliving it. and feeling everything so vividly. but i am. and i think that is okay. a year ago my babies were kicking around happily in my tummy. i was huge and uncomfortable. i thought perhaps my water had broken a bit. so we headed to the hospital brimming with anticipation. only to be sent home. on bedrest. at 4.5cm dilated. with pre-eclampsia. for an induction two days later. alas. i will never mistake my water breaking again. and it all worked out. but those feelings are all still there. so close to the surface. today i rolled around on the floor with my babies. cindy lou has a habit of banging her head on everything. and rubbing it against me. and i love it. she flits around carefree and smiley. magoo likes to be held. but only until he decides to run frantically in whatever direction you would prefer he didn’t. i may not remember it all. but i am relatively sure that enough is trapped in my mind. and my heart. to help me pass the days.

sure signs i am losing my mind

the past week or so i have felt kinda like i am losing it. is this different than other weeks? perhaps not but the proof seems more tangible right now. i opened a kitchen cabinet to discover that i had put a box of deodorant in there several days ago. i made the wigglers scrambled eggs for breakfast. m asked me where they were since i usually put them in the freezer to cool for a bit. we looked around – in the freezer, the refrigerator, the trash. i had put them in the microwave. i looked around frantically for a bottle of wine we had opened the day before. i finally located it in the recycling bin on the back porch where i had placed it earlier. still more than half full. i showed up for an appointment with my therapist with my shirt having only the top three buttons buttoned. (luckily i had a shirt on underneath.) i cracked an egg into a pan that wasn’t even on. these are the few things i can remember doing that have been a bit off. sleep deprivation? insanity? early onset alzheimer’s? or just life as a mother of twins and a seven ytear old?