23 Jan

i am seemingly always in a state of preparation for something. be it work or sleep. a meal. or something bigger like a wedding or a party. a race. i have spent years preparing for things. big things. small things. and a lot of the in between. often i’m not even sure of how big it is until i am somewhere in the middle of it. and there is occasionally even that feeling of utter confusion when i realize that what i thought was minor and insignificant was really much bigger than i ever thought. and vice versa. and by my nature i am a planner. i come by it naturally. my mother thrives on planning. and being busy. she loves it. so it really should not come as a surprise that i have also “inherited” this quality. but things that i plan are a bit different. some are entirely ordinary like visiting and ultimately choosing a kindergarten for our son. my weekly runs. showing up for work reasonably on time. having dinner with an old friend from law school. and some are well quite honestly, nothing i ever thought i would be doing.  among these could include gearing up for another marathon in about two weeks. if you asked me several years ago if i would be running marathons i would have laughed but now it just seems to be part of what i do. this is only my third marathon but it is my second in about 5 months so the training all just flowed together. and it keeps me sane and happy. work is a constant moving set of preparations but it is a general ebb and flow and nothing out of the ordinary. i am also preparing to head to nyc for work for a few days before i head to ca for the marathon. this will be the first significant amount of time away from my boy. and while it will be a great adventure for me allowing me to catch up with dear friends i haven’t seen in years. and even enjoy visits with family on both coasts it is always a bit discombobulating to me at the same time. the most significant preparations though have been a long time in coming. both mentally and physically. after too many failed attempts and surgery and medications that make you lose parts of yourself and expertly timed planning and ordering bodily fluids from across the country in hushed conversations in the work cafeteria, all the conventions of modern science have been unsuccessful in getting me pregnant. over three years ago when we decided we wanted to try to have a second child i never would have imagined this is where we would now be. with the boy it was so easy for m. one iui and magically there he was. but now here we are. in a place where i have made more preparations that actually mattered than ever before. the failures of last year were heart wrenching. and expensive. and after several months off a referral was made and a new plan has been suggested. a path of last resort. so that is the one we are now preparing to walk down upon my return from ca. it promises nothing more than to be interesting. and i don’t need to prepare for that.


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