contingency planning

28 Jan

there is so much superstition involved with fertility and infertility. at least for me there is. i can probably tell you what i was reading every single time i went to the doctors office for appointments. and what clothes i wore. and if i ran. and how much. possibly even what i ate if i think about it enough. and this isn’t last week we are talking about – this is going on over a year ago. but it seems like you always want something to blame for why it didn’t work. some reason to point to. because it at least offers a tangible thing that can be changed. manipulated to possibly yield better results this time. the past few months have been filled with a lot of thinking about how things should go and what is the best thing to do. and how things will go when quite honestly i don’t have a lot of control. sure it is my body. but in so many ways i am essentially turning it over and saying “do with it what you must – i’ll be over here waiting – let me know if you need anything”. and i am okay with that but it involves a level of detachment that i am not used to. the last iui was chocked full of injectables. some to stimulate. some to halt ovulation. i didn’t know whether i was coming or going. and it was stressful because it seemed that no matter how much medication was pumping through my veins it wasn’t doing what it was supposed to. now it has been a while and i am aware that could possibly happen again though i must admit i am a bit more confident in the group of doctors and nurses i am now working with. from the get go they just seem to own the process better. i am confident that i will be getting excellent care. and i feel the healthiest i have possibly ever in my life. when everything finally begins i will be coming off of two marathons in 6 months. i eat healthy. my perspective has shifted and everything just seems possible right now. with all of that said though i still understand that science is still science. it is not infallible. and i can lay all the groundwork. all of the hormones call be perfectly selected and working their magic. my reading selection can be spectacular. i can stop running. or cut back. or keep running. or do whatever they tell me to. i can eat anti-oxidants until i am blue in the face and do everything and anything that is asked of me and still something. anything can just not work. i have to recognize this as a possibility while still trying not to dwell on it. it is not an easy fence to straddle. and i keep wondering what i will do if it doesn’t work. but i worry that a contingency plan is somehow saying that i don’t believe it’s possible. and i believe it is possible. i don’t want a contingency plan. i want a baby.

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