closing in

10 Feb

the past week has been a mix of extremes in a sense. coast to coast. ny to ca. to work and then to relax and run. while i was in new york my OAR report arrived at home. and fair seemed even a little less than fair. essentially the way the report works is it looks at your FSH, your AMH, and a few other hormone levels and then gives you an assessment of what your predicted outcome of egg retrieval is. and as discussed mine was “fair”. the ranges run 0-5 (poor), 6-10 (fair), 11-15 (good), and 16-20 (excellent). now just hearing fair on the message left a bit of leeway in my mind. but the report left little to the imagination. there it was: 6. blah. essentially there is a good chance of retrieving around six follicles. lots of hormones for six follicles. perhaps more. perhaps less. it’s all a bit unsure. but according to science and statistics and stuff these are the chances. i’m a 6. at a minimum i could be an odd number (my own neurosis here). but no i’m a 6. fun stuff. honestly there isn’t much i can do about it. well really there is nothing i can do about it. i have always done everything asked of me. i eat well. i exercise. i take vitamins. i think good thoughts. etc. etc. the point goes back to what i need out of this and that is two. i need two strong viable ready to go follicles that can be fertilized and implanted. while i was in nyc i took the news that was relayed to me from M relatively well. i stored it in the back of my mind and went on with my days. it was tuesday night when when i first heard and i went on my way and met up with my nearly sister in law. we talked as we never have before. and it helped me to stay centered and calm and remember that i just need to keep moving forward. its interesting how sometimes people and conversations come exactly when you need them to.

somewhat tenuously related i had also planned for my cycle to start at some point while i was traveling but not quite as early as it did. day 22. i was initially shocked but it was actually quite helpful for the marathon that was to come in a few days. after finishing up my tour of duty in nyc and interspersing a few fantastic visits with friends and family i headed to LAX. after a brief delay and breaking the zipper of my pants on the plane (because things are always kinda fun in my world) i was picked up by a friend who actually knows what is going on with all of the IF tumultuousness. after my futile attempt to combat the time change i awoke early thursday and called the RE to schedule a diagnostic ultrasound and trial transfer upon my return. i tried to schedule it for later in the week but the only available time was monday – less than 12 hours after my return. so i took it – knowing that it would weigh somewhat in my mind the entire time i was there. LA was great. an underside tour. lunch and dinner in fun places. seeing random tickets for beverages on metro platforms. a great run around a reservoir and conversations with a dear friend who is making carving her own path to start a family.

friday i had the strange opportunity to think for a while. and i thought about running. and trying to have a baby. and how they have been so intertwined. my history of marathons has been so linked in ways i had not though about before. i ran my first marathon after my first failed IUI. i ran portland last year after 2 more failed IUI’s, a surgery to remove a blocked tube to even have those IUI’s, a decent amount of hormones and way more “morning violations” than i care to recount to assess size, number, etc. of follicles to even get to that point. and that brought us to now and surf city. somewhat removed from it all. the marathon i had to finish before i could start ivf. but really things are different right now. i am different. and it feels entirely unlike any other time. so that is a good thing. but it was interesting to reflect upon. and to consider all that is to come in the next few months. i think i am ready in a way that maybe i wasn’t before. i can’t say i am ready to fail because i am not sure anyone is ever really ready for that but perhaps i am better prepared for it than i was before. hopefully it won’t be an issue…

anyhow, friday night we headed to huntington beach. met up with some of M’s family. Amy – my running partner and possibly closest friend. and Nick – the comedian pilot with a sweet heart. and some fun new friends. i was ready to run another marathon. in a new place. a different way to challenge my body and my mind. after some questionable weather on friday and saturday race day rolled around.  and sunday was delightful. and i ran. with palm trees. ocean breezes. views of catalina. mountains in the distance. to an end with a surfboard medal. it was pretty much perfect. and then i came home to my family. for a little while i didn’t have to think about what my body can’t do and instead i was able to rely on myself and what i had done and i knew that i would be okay. i knew that i would make it to the finish. and i knew that i could accomplish what i set out to. running reminds me that no matter how hollow and inadequate i feel sometimes i am in control of some things and i am able to make some decisions about how my body functions. after a short reprieve i headed back to mn. where it was cold and snowing. and late. but i was still riding a runners high. and ready to head into the next phase of my fertility treatments.

appointment with the RE yesterday was promising. the dr wanted to make sure i understood what the OAR report meant. i asked about cancellation rates and she was unconcerned. the diagnostic ultrasound showed 12 follicles – 7 on one side, 5 on the other. without hormones. of course quality and quantity are not one in the same but the dr was pleased and said things looked great. trial transfer was quick and easy.  all is on schedule for the next few months. what looked horrible on paper seems okay after talking with the dr. she said my AMH of 1.14 is really good. indicated that we shouldn’t wait on IVF but that she thinks things are alright and from what she has seen she is happy. that makes me happy. and i can run. in fact i should run. at least up to day seven of stimulation medications. that sounds about right to me. now i just need to figure out where all the money is coming from…

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One Response to “closing in”

  1. Shannon 6 WedUTC2010-02-17T08:19:56+00:00UTC02bUTCWed, 17 Feb 2010 08:19:56 +0000 2009 at 8:19 AM #

    I’m really glad you were able to talk to your RE about the OAR report. It sounds like it’s not nearly as bad as you were concerned it was, and that’s great news!

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