explanations

15 Feb

i tend to be a bit guarded about a lot of things. fertility or perhaps more accurately, infertility has been one of them. i am not sure if that is because i didn’t think some of my friends would get it or because i did not really want to explain it to them. or perhaps it is a little bit of both. i have to admit when all of this started over three years ago i just expected it to happen. i had a faith in science and technology that perhaps was unfounded. but it had brought me my boy. m had not experienced any stumbling blocks. it was like shooting fish in a bucket for her. or so it seemed at the time anyway. so maybe explanations to me make things real. they bring things out into a light where i don’t really want to see them. the light where they are entirely visible to everyone. there has always also been the part of me that doesn’t want to deal with disappointment. if everyone knows you are expecting something and it doesn’t happen it’s almost like there are too many people invested in something that doesn’t necessarily belong to them. if you don’t explain or don’t let them in then it is yours. you own it and you can open up your disappointments when you feel like it or keep them to yourself if you don’t. and that is how things have always been for me.

last year i kept a tight circle around myself. there were very few people privy to what was going on with our attempts to get pregnant. part of it i think was the less people who knew the less who would have to be kept informed. but also it’s a private journey in so many ways (of course i say this now as i am typing a blog. ha!). i was vague in my details for those who did know something was amiss. timing was never really defined. the few friends who were in the loop for the most part were smattered around the country so i didn’t have to see their sympathy when i felt like a failure yet again. but the further i have moved away from the last round of fertility meds and IUI’s and daily doctors appointments the more i see the need to have some source of support. so i am trying to figure out how to include more people in my life. and to find friends who can understand. or at the very least appreciate how these varied experiences shape my days. i am also learning that on many a day i am reminded exactly why i have historically said so little because what comes back at you is fascinating and disappointing and ignorant. but other days the need to have someone understand anything at all is all-consuming as well. most days it’s a fine line that serves as a happy medium and i can usually walk that without too much trouble…

in a break from my usual silence i offered an explanation this week to a friend who cares and wanted to know where we were at it the process. i went into the conversation knowing that she may not really understand what it all means to me and just where this sits in the center of my being or how deeply it affects me. but still i started at the beginning (well as much as being referred to the RE is a new beginning beginning.) and offered a pretty much soup to nuts explanation. here is where we were. here is where we are going type of road map. and she asked a few questions. mostly of the “how do they do that” variety. so i explained that as well. it was odd. and not really cathartic but possibly good all the same. maybe i needed to hear myself explain it all. and then she raised a few questions regarding what if it doesn’t work. and i was clear from the beginning that it might not. so i responded “then i guess i run a lot more marathons”. it sounds cavalier and dismissive and perhaps it is but it’s all i can offer on that front right now. she asked about m having another. or us adopting. and in reality either of those are viable options. but they are outside of my purview right now. past my line of sight. its like i know they exist on the periphery but i don’t want to acknowledge them until i have to. and in the meantime then i will be ready to offer up an explanation.

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