holding patterns

19 Feb

i can’t sleep. well right now isn’t really the issue. it’s only 9pm. and i am watching people with freakish athletic abilities fling themselves into the air while attached to little boards (yay winter olympics!) but the past few nights, sleep is just not working out for me. i head off to bed with good intentions – reasonable intentions. but sleep is just not coming. last night i dreamt i was running in a relay race. as the anchor and my team was unhappy because i was not fast. i woke up with the dog nudging me to go out and the room feeling like a sauna. it was 2:30 am. i let the dog out and considered running on the treadmill. then dismissed that as ridiculous. instead i laid in bed for hours. and hours. and thought about assisted hatching. and bills. and the need to sign my boy up for swim lessons. and why the dog was scratching incessantly. and blastocysts. and wondering who was texting m at 3:30am. and if my morning meeting was going to run on time. and what the heck was going on with megan. and did i do the laundry. and did i really mean i was okay with no FET. and on. and on. and on. clearly i should have just run. at least when i do that things start to make sense and none of this was making any sense. especially after a few days of this.i finally fell back asleep for an hour or so punctuated by loud blasts of the alarm. needless to say this was not the best night of sleep ever.

maybe i need to just get back into training for another marathon even if i am not training for it. can i train for ivf? i was focused two weeks ago. and i had a plan. here of course i have a plan too but the stakes are a bit higher since its one and out. not in a “bucket list” kind of way but in a “this is all we can afford since we have a kid and a house and bills and such and no insurance for if” kind of way. things are just different. as much as i want to i can’t turn fertility treatments into marathon training. i don’t have to be doing anything everyday. i am stuck in a holding pattern. right now i just wait. the next thing is our appointment with the nurse in 12 days. and i will start bcp with the start of my cycle…seemingly counter-intuitive but i am willing to sacrifice all logic to science for the sake of a pregnancy. i just need to make it all make sense somehow. i know this is asking too much but i can always hope can’t i?

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