hook

24 Feb

tonight i asked s if he could pick a name for himself what would it be and he said “captain hook” (and even indicated how his finger makes a perfect hook) so that is how i will refer to him from here on out – hook. he is my heart. my smile. from the second we found out m was pregnant with him my entire world shifted. it was almost like suddenly everything made sense in a way it never had before. that was six years ago. and now i have to admit that i am a bit concerned about the impact the impending influx of hormones will have on him. obviously not that he will be taking them but they will impact me and that in turn effects him. he has been a firsthand witness to how hard IF has been. and its almost like he can sense it on a deeper level. there have been innumerable occasions where hook has asked for a sibling. almost begged for one. and i know he would be a wonderful big brother. i have no doubts. never have. when he was two we decided it would be a good time to try for a second with me as the birth mother.  lots of pre-tests. a discovery of a hydrosalphyinx and a failed IUI. i can’t say i took it all that well…but i did start running and that is probably the best thing i have ever done for myself. so i waited quite a while and focused on hook. and m. and our life as it was. but it feels like there is something missing. don’t get me wrong i would not change anything but if we have the chance to add to our family then we definitely want to do that. both m and i grew up with siblings. and we both appreciate the love and bickering and support and shared experience that it affords. all that being said i know that ivf may not work. when we finally picked up again i had a salpingectomy to remove the blocked tube. and then a few IUI’s. with varying levels of injectable hormones. some months ended up yielding nothing more than follicles on the wrong side busting to be free. but my sanity and our bank account suffered. so after several attempts at that we had to stop yet again. hook keeps waiting. this past year when he broke the wish bone at thanksgiving he said he wished for a baby. then he quickly looked at me to make sure i was okay with that. it breaks my heart that i can’t seem to give my boy the one thing we all want. and if it doesn’t work we will all be okay. i know that. but if i had my way. and if i could control the outcome i would hope to make hook the great big brother i already know he will be.

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