flip/flop. there are lasting moments of complete clarity when i am absolutely convinced this is all going to work. i go.ogle running while pregnant. i think about being cleared to go back to my ob and the nurse practitioners i like so much (regardless of their lack of success at getting me knocked up). and i start to think of all of the things i have never had the chance to experience as a mother despite being a mother. i smile as i imagine hook as an older brother with a baby sibling. and everything seems to just fall into place in my mind. and then i worry that i am getting ahead of myself. which of course i am. but it is positive and it is good and it is a much better place to be mentally than the alternative. though even the thoughts about lack of success have all been relatively calm. mostly involving me considering what to do next that does not involve fertility or hormones or doctors appointments or trying to figure out how to squeeze money out of a stone to pay for another attempt. i think about hook and m and our concise little family unit. i think about taking family vacations and running new races and creating new challenges for myself. i think about finding a new job and finally using my degrees and doing something that i want to. a few days ago m said to me “you know if this doesn’t work you still have to remember we have a great kid upstairs. you may not have carried him but he is still yours and he is incredible” (or something along those lines). at the time i was slightly annoyed because she was missing some of what i am feeling but it is absolutely true. we have been so extremely fortunate with hook. he is a better human than i could ever hope to be. and being pregnant or me physically having a child will certainly never change any of that. there have been so many things in my life that i have done. or attempted to do. and parenting is one of the very few things that i feel like i am okay at. not all the time. and sometimes not at all. but in general i believe i do a decent job. and i know – without a doubt – this is the most important job i will ever have. i want a baby. i want a sibling for hook. i want m and i to have the opportunity to raise another child together. but if it doesn’t work out that way then it doesn’t work out that way. (these are the things i will try to keep in the forefront of my mind in the next few weeks)
gardening. the other night at dinner we were talking about what to grow in the garden this year. m talked about tomatoes and peas. hook asked about squash and watermelons. we talked about possibly a few stalks of corn and maybe some rutabagas. and then hook said “i know – how about we grow a baby? not for the summer but for valentines day.” we asked why he wanted a baby and he said “so you two don’t have to fight over who gets to play with me.” ha! so m asked him how we do that and he responded “you go to the doctor and they put the baby in there and it grows”. apparently someone understands ivf pretty well at the age of 5…let’s hope it is that easy!
in the morning i start phase 2. lupron. if that really can be considered a phase. from what i gather lupron is supposed to put everything on hold. reassuring…perhaps. i’m not sure anymore. everything seems so unsteady. i feel like i am walking on unstable ground. hormones. circumstances. perhaps both. talked to the doctors office again this week. twice actually. first to the ivf finance lady. she gets a gold star in my book. she was kind. and understanding. sent copies of the paperwork and cancelled checks. asked if i needed anything right now. on wednesday i noticed that the appointments in my resent ivf protocol were different than my work calendar where i had entered them prior to the whole smash and grab from my vehicle. so i called. and confirmed that my calendar was right. and the bitchy curt nurse was wrong and asked to speak to the nurses. again. i’m sure by now they hate me. i’m also sure by now i don’t actually care. so this time someone actually answered. i explained the whole theft thing. and the appointment thing. asked about ending bcp. she explained clearly. win for her! then i inquired about clarifying meds and such. she again mentioned wrong meds. and started extolling upon the idea that meds are interchangeable and such. and while i can generally adhere to this idea right now i am not buying it because well i am in the midst of it. so i explained that there are THOUSANDS of dollars of others hormones sitting in my house right now waiting to be injected into my abdomen and they don’t like being neglected in all of this needless chatter. there was some more blah, blah, blah. then i cried. i was mad that i did. but really i wasn’t surprised. i am there right now. on the edge. for whatever reason. so i asked for a copy of my RX’s as well. and she said well you have them already don’t you. and i said yes but the prescription itself was taken so i want a copy. she stopped talking. after she asked how to spell my last name. i am beginning to wonder if i am calling the right doctor’s office…i suppose right now i have more faith in the medications than i do in the medical professionals. but i still like my actual RE. so that’s a bonus.
so last night i cranked the incline up on the treadmill and ran…after breaking out the measuring tape and doing mathematical calculations to determine the percentage grade that each level equated to (a 10 on my treadmill is a 9% grade). it was all rather interesting. and tough but in a kind of cool way. and i hopped off with resolve to run up a mountain. and then i looked at a picture of pikes peak and thought am i insane. and then thought about my sister saying “you would tell me to go for it” – (smaller scale but true). and then i thought about this being my sister-in-law’s thing that she needs to do for herself. her mountain to climb in more ways than one. and then i thought about only having one life to live so why the heck not? and basically i went back and forth with it all in my head. on and on and on for hours. i sat in front of the confirmation page of the registration at least five times. brand new credit card in hand. but ultimately i did not register to run up a mountain this summer because what it comes down to is i said i would not register for anything “big” until after April. until after I know for sure what my immediate future – at least as far as build-a-baby-ness – holds. and there is a reason for that. there was a reason i said that at the outset and a reason i wrote it down. i know myself. i know i do this. and i knew the closer i got to things actually becoming “real” the more freaked out i would get. i am afraid of failing at this yet again. and i know that i might but that isn’t enough of a reason to jump the gun and go back on my own word. essentially i would be registering in the hope of wanting to not be able to do it. but still wanting to do it. because i am intrigued by the sheer insanity of it. and of embarking on another amazing adventure with one of my closest friends and confidantes. and then it gets all jumbly in my head. but i need to be kind of clear focused right now. the money isn’t really the issue. (it’s a drop in the bucket compared to all of this). if i register i feel like i am giving up a little bit on the baby thing. and i can’t do that. i don’t want to do that. and no matter what happens that i can understand.
last night one of my friends had a baby. her first. today she emailed the picture out. and as i looked at it a tear slid down my cheek. at work. i partially blame the birth control pills (seriously i do not like those things). and the circumstances of the past few days. (thievery. talking to insurance companies. no running. etc) but part of it is just envy. i remember the day she told me she was pregnant while we sat in a CLE at work. i already had guessed. and i tried not to cry then too. and then i went home and ran 7 miles. but that was different. it was shortly after my continuous failed attempts. and my barrage of injectable hormones. and feeling like i would never get another shot at getting pregnany. so now it has all come full circle. and i am genuinely happy for her. if a bit envious. got pregnant when they decided to – as she said “all my friends are having babies now”. had a great pregnancy – one sick day. her daughter is adorable. i can’t begrudge others their fertility. even though sometimes i want to.
and i know that fertility – in and of itself – is not always enough. i have another very dear friend who has been pregnant twice in the past nine months and both have sadly ended in miscarriages. she has always been one of the strongest and most admirable women i know. and now she stands beside me -asking how things are going and always willing to lend a hand if needed. one of the first people to meet hook. and one of the only people who really knows what is going on with everything as it happens. i hope beyond hope that she and her dh will have their dream babies this next time. they are the type of people that are parents without even having children if that even makes sense. and none of this is meant to discredit anyone who has children (heck we have a phenomenal kid!) or anyone who is pregnant currently. but sometimes you just have to wonder why the chips fall where they do…
there are so many little things in life that bring me comfort. very little things. and this week they were disrupted a bit. thursday morning i ran. and then thursday i left work at the end of the day to run again. a very rare pleasure for me. much needed and much appreciated. just a decent run around the lake with a friend. but once we returned to the cars everything shifted. my passenger window was smashed. shattered. my jacket. my backpack. my bag with my work clothes, shoes, my watch – gone. my i.pod and headphones and armband – gone. my beloved n.orthface jacket that made its way through italy with me – no more. my license, my credit cards, gift cards, insurance cards, pictures of hook that i had carried around with me for the past 5 years. all taken. and my backpack. filled with all the things that i take with me everyday. suddenly just not there anymore. and most of the things in it don’t mean anything to anyone. sure there were a number of items of considerable financial value. but there were so many more that no one can ever replace. and that no one will be able to understand what they meant to me. cards. words. pictures. papers. my water bottles. my glasses. prescriptions. old training schedules. pictures from the kid. rocks from all over. things that meant something to me. and only me. words that i wrote down because i needed to. and because i wanted to. and because i had to. just to get by. and now they have been taken. and tainted. and i think that is the hardest part. i cancelled the credit cards. i have already replaced the window. i will be reimbursed for some of the items that were taken. but the things that can’t be replaced are the things that leave the gaping hole. it really is the little things to me. the details. it always has been. and now the details are disrupted. and tainted.
for months i have carried around all of the paperwork related to ivf and the RE. all of my test results. my prescription protocols. my receipts. the questions i had. the notations from the RE on the handouts. copies of the consents and disclosures. it was all calming. and centering. and it made me feel like i had a handle on something. that it was within my grasp. or at least i could look over it and pretend that i knew what was going on when everything seemed so unstable and so unsure. needless to say it was in my backpack. and now it is gone. this has been difficult to accept. not only are the physical papers gone but the sense of security that they provided is also gone. (not to mention my personal medical information is floating around who knows where). yesterday i called the RE’s office to request a copy of the medication protocol because while i am pretty familiar with what i am supposed to start when I would like to be absolutely certain. i left a message at the nurses desk detailing the situation and asking for the booklet and copies, etc. while at the bank closing my checking account i received a message from a nurse. it was curt. to the point. and completely inaccurate. some of the dates were a day off. and the medications were well wrong. i was pissed not happy. so i called back and left another message expressing my concerns. then i went to replace my drivers license. and pick up my race packet. and search trash cans around the scene of the crime in hope that my criminal non-essentials (basically the things i really cared about) had been dumped close by – (no luck). this time i was available when the same nurse called back. she was perhaps more curt. and told me that yes i was correct that the thousands of dollars worth of medication i have sitting at my house is what i am supposed to take (ah yes i know) so i should just cross off the f.ollistim 300 she wrote in the packet she sent and write in the b.ravalle 400 and just do that. then i asked about the dates. she insisted she was correct and that i just needed to follow what she said. and that i could look at it when it arrived in the mail. the entire conversation was infuriating. basically she sounded annoyed that i had called and asked for me own information. then more annoyed when i wanted it to be correct. i know this is something the nurses do everyday. and questions that they answer all the time. however i’m also pretty sure this is part of the job. and it might be what they do all day, but it is not what i do all day. in fact i don’t ever do it. and i have paid a whole heck of a lot of money. so really i want it all to be right. and i understand that does not buy me a guarantee. but i can at least hope that if everything goes properly, i never have to be concerned about such a protocol again. having the stuff taken in the first place made me feel like a bit of my security was gone but i deserve to have at least a little of it back – even if that is only through a kind voice and an accurate piece of paper. they should expect to hear from me again on monday.
complete aside – ran a 10 mile race this morning. i think i have a little bit of an affair with running. it is my sanity. and i managed to get a PR.
this week has yielded a whole lot of odd things running amok in my head and they need to get out. so here is a jumbled mess in no particular order…
– i should have bought more girl scout cookies. but when i was filling out the form everyone else had only ordered a box or two so i followed suit. i considered hiding them from m and hook when they came in but then thought better of it. now they are gone. damn my need to conform sometimes.
– even though i don’t want to i will examine and consider and reexamine every decision i make for the next several weeks with exacting scrutiny – be it to drink a half-caf americano or to run only 23 miles this week or to skip a few meals here and there over the course of a few days due to nausea from bcp. of course if these decisions happen to be the absolutely correct ones as evidenced by success with IVF then it will all be for naught. or maybe it won’t be. i don’t even know. regardless i am already wondering what i should or shouldn’t be doing to improve the probability here. sort of like improving my vegas odds. can you even do that? i need to consult a shark right about now.
– yesterday my boss asked me how i dealt with a certain situation. i responded that i had stabbed my colleague in the throat with a pen. (yes i am an a.ttorney and no i did not actually perform a pen tracheotomy at work or anywhere else for that matter). he just laughed. quite a bit actually. i am fortunate that i can engage in this playful banter with my overseer. it makes my job completely bearable and i think it will be especially helpful in the weeks to come.
– i was able to run outside on day this week after work. since it was still light out. and m could pick up hook. and it was not overly icy. most importantly this meant i was not on the dread treadmill. and i was moving and thinking and breathing. it was perfect and delightful. and i was almost giddy for those short six miles before the sun set.
– my teeth and jaw are becoming casualties of IF. a few years ago my dentist noticed that i grind my teeth – something i never noticed – so we deduced it had to be when i slept. and i have always clenched my jaw when i am stressed. but recently i actually wake myself up grinding/clenching. i wonder if my RE writes prescriptions for mouth guards…
– we bought hook a new bike today. and a baseball tee and bat. obviously we are pushing the whole idea of spring quite a bit. but in our defense it has been nearly 40 for a few days. this is huge here in the midwest so we are embracing it. and it turns out the kid may have some natural baseball abilities we have unearthed. that is one of the amazing things about kids – you never really know where their talents lie. and with an anonymous sperm donor you also have only a partially picture as well. of course we know m’s family and history but we are seeing how the donor has contributed to our amazing kid as well. it’s sort of like this amazing unfolding gift day after day.
– the only pie i like has vegetables in it. Or ice cream. Obviously not together. It’s just not my thing.
– my prescriptions arrived today in a big old packing box. via F.edEx saturday delivery. and an assortment of syringes. and needles. rather than being overwhelmed by it i am comforted to have it all here. in my possession. my modicum of control in an otherwise rather tumultuous set of circumstances.
– m just came home with mashed potatoes. and more girl scout cookies. clearly she loves me.
i am about to ingest a birth control pill. to help me get pregnant. seemingly the first step of total body takeover. i’m all for it really. but it does still feel weird i must admit…
m and i met with a nurse this morning at the RE’s office. a bit of a “kick-off” if you will to this round. last night i looked over all the paperwork and the consents for the three hundred and twelfth time (give or take…) then i wrote down the few things i had questions about: when to stop taking t.opamax for migraines, assisted hatching, when to start on bcp, day 3 vs day 5 transfers, and running. i took this list, the consents, and the requisite build-a-baby checks and paper clipped it all together and put it in my bag so as not to forget anything. this morning i prepped hook for school/daycare and myself for work. m readied herself for work and a very significant interview. i headed out to drop off the boy and left m with directions on how to get to the RE’s office. she arrived after getting delayed in traffic and a bit lost but since it is a doctors office and punctuality is never really their strong suit – no harm, no foul. we were escorted back to a room. i was weighed. and then came the paperwork. we consented. and initialed. and signed here. and dated there. it was a bit akin to mortgage paperwork only i had actually read all of these documents beforehand. with that out of the way the nurse produced “a gift” – 25 vials of b.ravelle. a sample. she went on to explain how to mix 4 vials together with the water and that i should expect a rather unpleasant burning sensation and pain upon injection. um okay. still i am not one to look a gift horse in the mouth. i will deal with the stinging and burning for a few days to save a thousand dollars. she also suggested not injecting the p.rogesterone at night – at least if i plan to walk normally in the morning. the nurse explained the remainder of the medications and the logistics of the procedures and when to come in for my morning violations (internal u/s), blood work, etc. then after filling out a nice little chart with dates and medication amounts and the like the nurse said “huh, looks like we need to add m.enopur too. i’ll be right back.” so we threw that one in the mix too just for fun. my RX sheet now has nine medications on it and requests a “sharps container” – that can’t be good… luckily i don’t mind being a pin cushion. once the nurse left, the finance lady came to collect the checks and that concluded today’s visit.
now it’s time to take a bcp and get this party started. or stopped. or something 🙂