ascent

20 Mar

so last night i cranked the incline up on the treadmill and ran…after breaking out the measuring tape and doing mathematical calculations to determine the percentage grade that each level equated to (a 10 on my treadmill is a 9% grade). it was all rather interesting. and tough but in a kind of cool way. and i hopped off with resolve to run up a mountain. and then i looked at a picture of pikes peak and thought am i insane. and then thought about my sister saying “you would tell me to go for it” – (smaller scale but true). and then i thought about this being my sister-in-law’s thing that she needs to do for herself. her mountain to climb in more ways than one. and then i thought about only having one life to live so why the heck not? and basically i went back and forth with it all in my head. on and on and on for hours. i sat in front of the confirmation page of the registration at least five times. brand new credit card in hand. but ultimately i did not register to run up a mountain this summer because what it comes down to is i said i would not register for anything “big” until after April. until after I know for sure what my immediate future – at least as far as build-a-baby-ness – holds. and there is a reason for that. there was a reason i said that at the outset and a reason i wrote it down. i know myself. i know i do this. and i knew the closer i got to things actually becoming “real” the more freaked out i would get. i am afraid of failing at this yet again. and i know that i might but that isn’t enough of a reason to jump the gun and go back on my own word. essentially i would be registering in the hope of wanting to not be able to do it. but still wanting to do it. because i am intrigued by the sheer insanity of it. and of embarking on another amazing adventure with one of my closest friends and confidantes. and then it gets all jumbly in my head. but i need to be kind of clear focused right now. the money isn’t really the issue. (it’s a drop in the bucket compared to all of this). if i register i feel like i am giving up a little bit on the baby thing. and i can’t do that. i don’t want to do that. and no matter what happens that i can understand.

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