fleeting moments of clarity

29 Mar

flip/flop. there are lasting moments of complete clarity when i am absolutely convinced this is all going to work. i go.ogle running while pregnant. i think about being cleared to go back to my ob and the nurse practitioners i like so much (regardless of their lack of success at getting me knocked up).  and i start to think of all of the things i have never had the chance to experience as a mother despite being a mother. i smile as i imagine hook as an older brother with a baby sibling. and everything seems to just fall into place in my mind. and then i worry that i am getting ahead of myself. which of course i am. but it is positive and it is good and it is a much better place to be mentally than the alternative. though even the thoughts about lack of success have all been relatively calm. mostly involving me considering what to do next that does not involve fertility or hormones or doctors appointments or trying to figure out how to squeeze money out of a stone to pay for another attempt. i think about hook and m and our concise little family unit. i think about taking family vacations and running new races and creating new challenges for myself. i think about finding a new job and finally using my degrees and doing something that i want to. a few days ago m said to me “you know if this doesn’t work you still have to remember we have a great kid upstairs. you may not have carried him but he is still yours and he is incredible” (or something along those lines). at the time i was slightly annoyed because she was missing some of what i am feeling but it is absolutely true. we have been so extremely fortunate with hook. he is a better human than i could ever hope to be. and being pregnant or me physically having a child will certainly never change any of that. there have been so many things in my life that i have done. or attempted to do. and parenting is one of the very few things that i feel like i am okay at. not all the time. and sometimes not at all. but in general i believe i do a decent job. and i know – without a doubt – this is the most important job i will ever have. i want a baby. i want a sibling for hook. i want m and i to have the opportunity to raise another child together. but if it doesn’t work out that way then it doesn’t work out that way. (these are the things i will try to keep in the forefront of my mind in the next few weeks)

gardening. the other night at dinner we were talking about what to grow in the garden this year. m talked about tomatoes and peas. hook asked about squash and watermelons. we talked about possibly a few stalks of corn and maybe some rutabagas. and then hook said “i know – how about we grow a baby? not for the summer but for valentines day.” we asked why he wanted a baby and he said “so you two don’t have to fight over who gets to play with me.” ha! so m asked him how we do that and he responded “you go to the doctor and they put the baby in there and it grows”. apparently someone understands ivf pretty well at the age of 5…let’s hope it is that easy!


One Response to “fleeting moments of clarity”

  1. lis 6 Mon-05:002010-03-29T07:11:50-05:00-05:0003b-05:00Mon, 29 Mar 2010 07:11:50 -0500 2009 at 7:11 AM #

    it is those beautiful moments of clarity that keep us going sometimes. it’s in those moments where we allow ourselves to believe that it might just happen, might work.
    im hoping that for you and m and hook tonight.

    it would be so much easier if we could plant them in the damn garden :o)

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