everything feels a bit surreal at this point. i can’t seem to wrap my head around anything quite yet. i have spent a lot of time thinking about how i would react if it was a bfn (not that i think you can really prepare for that but still…) but i hadn’t really explored the possibility that it could actually happen. a positive beta. wondering when i will be able to take a deep breath. absolutely amazing!
Repeat blood draw on friday. until then just basking in the newness and possibility of all of it!
it seems wrong that progesterone shots, estrogen patches, AF, and early pregnancy all have rather similar symptoms. up until sunday i was absolutely convinced that the IVF cycle had worked. and then suddenly i wasn’t. i woke up in the middle of the night with crazy cramping. and since then it has continued on and off. this could mean nothing. it could be good. it could be bad. but really at this point all it has done is served to plant a seed of doubt in my mind. i started go.ogling things. m started reading blogs. and in the end we decided that we just have to have faith that everything is okay until we are told otherwise.
i have been tempted to take an HPT – i still have one left form the last round of IUI’s. i was up at 4:30 this morning considering it. but i haven’t. truth be told it’s easier to just believe when you don’t have a reason not to. the RE’s office had warned of the possibility of incorrect results on an HPT due to the continuing cocktail so why create a potentially false belief either way.
all along i have been trying to brace myself for whatever the results may be. i make plans in my head. i think of being frantic calm and distraught accepting. i think of the next steps. i know we lucked out with the 4 frosties so we can possibly try a FET if we can scrounge up the money. we are so very fortunate to have hook. and he is more than enough. sometimes i even wonder if it is possible to love more than one child as much as i love him. i’m sure it must be but without having to i am not completely convinced. so if it is a no-go we will be okay. i believe this (or i am convincing myself that i do right now at least). of course i am hoping beyond hope for a BFP.and i do believe we have a fighting chance.
appointment in the am. results in the afternoon. 6 meetings mixed in between. tomorrow is the day of reckoning. one way or another.
everything has been going along swimmingly. i work. i try not to think too much about the status of what is going on in my uterus. it doesn’t work so well but i try. i experience questionable symptoms that could be attributed to any number of things. have been diligently accepting my progesterone in oil shots and am hopeful the welts will continue to dissipate. this morning i added vivelle patches. apparently progesterone and estrogen are a delightful pair. one of my friends suggested i also add a nicotine patch. a bcp patch. and a narcotic patch…just for good measure. i just went with the estrogen. i have been grumpy today. really wanting to run. not sure it is related to the hormone cocktail, the home improvement projects or just that day. nothing bad…just hoping for the weekend to simultaneously go quickly and to last a long time. we’ll see how that goes.
i could be pregnant right now. it’s strange to think about. surreal. i feel good about everything. not really all that different per se but still confident that things are moving forward and these little blasts are happily imbedding in my progesterone in oil supported uterus. it’s a feeling i am not entirely accustomed to and i am enjoying it. felt somewhat crampy for most of the afternoon. i am embracing it as a sign of good things to come.
back to work this morning after ~44 hours of “bed rest”. needed to get back to the grind thus cutting out the additional 4 hours that were prescribed. a minor bending of the rules. woke up not incredibly happy with the prospect of 7 back to back meetings but also knowing that they provide a nice continuous distraction. and honestly work was a little crazy today. but in a not really relevant to my life sort of way. have i mentioned my indifference to my job? 7 more meetings tomorrow. at this point my days are all just minor deviations on the way to my blood test. i am currently feeling only minimally anxious about the wait. i only googled one related thing today. not so bad! one of my other struggles of the past few days has been with the RE instructions after transfer. specifically the thorn in my paw was the one that said “do not drink or eat caffeine”. first no running and now no chocolate. and not even any decaf coffee. oh the horror. seriously. torturous. especially when my mom sent these gorgeous dark chocolate bars from ireland made by a company with the tagline “purveyors of happiness”. did i mention torture? i actually called the nurses today and asked if i could have a cup of decaf coffee. the nurse chuckled and said to go for it but to not go overboard. i am a wild one but i kept it to one cup.
for now i will skip the caffeine. not run. diligently work. eat healthy. think good thoughts. and enjoy the next few days believing this could all be really happening.
yesterday morning i took my valium and started taking on water like the titanic. arrived at the RE’s office and headed back to the procedure area. the nurses on the procedure side are incredible. very sweet and you can tell they really want everything to work out for you. she explained that my uterus at this stage was sort of like two pieces of peanut butter toast stuck together. odd but helpful way to explain that nothing is going to just fall out. the doctor doing the actual transfer was great. explained everything clearly and even gave us a picture of the two best embryos. out of six – 3 were blastocysts and 3 were morulas at varying stages. we looked at the clinics success rates and opted to transfer two (not that we ever really considered transferring fewer – if it were up to m we would have transferred all 6!) also confirmed our decision to freeze the remaining 4 (with the hope they will not be needed). once in the procedure room they verified i was storing water like a camel. and thank goodness i was since if not they fill it with a catheter. no thank you! transfer was relatively easy. the tech even gave us pictures of the placement of the embryos. i rested up for 10 minutes, moved to the recovery room and rested for another 30 minutes before scheduling my pregnancy test and heading home. all in all not a bad way to spend a monday morning.
since then i have just been lounging. RE required rest in a reclining position for 48 hours. will it help? no idea. but i’m willing to listen and indulge some laziness for a bit. yesterday consisted of a nice nap, some reading, a little mindless television viewing, and then a family viewing of the fantastic mr. fox while enjoying some vegetarian thai curry.
but now it is tuesday and i am wondering if i should feel any different (i don’t). i am thinking i should do some laundry. vacuum something. take the dog for a walk. take a shower. all not allowed. i called in to work this morning for a meeting. and now i am just biding my time. i don’t sit still well. and tv, well in case you don’t know – weekday daytime television is comprised of baby shows. having them. bringing them home. adopting them. having more of them. it’s a barrage of nonstop babyness. with a few other things thrown in for balance. ellen. and the price is right. and gilmore girls. but mostly baby shows. of course no one is forcing me to watch them but its kind of like some sort of accident i can’t get away from. and then the octomom is on oprah today too. gee what a bonus. not that i ever ever watch oprah because she is annoying its just not my thing but still i am repulsed, annoyed and intrigued at the same time…
perhaps i need more distractions so i don’t just sit here wondering whether the embryos have burrowed in for the long haul…
so the day is finally here. embryo transfer in just about one hour. i feel pretty calm. and confident.
here goes something…
this morning was one of the first times I was really stressing out about everything. went to breakfast bright and early expecting the phone to ring as i was biting into a delicious egg and avocado sandwich around 8 am. it didn’t. stopped at home depot to scope out patio furniture and purchase some gardening accoutrements. still no call by 9:30. back home again putzing around in the yard and chasing the dog. 10:30. nothing. sitting on the porch watching m break clean the grill. panic started to set in. they called at 8am on friday what could possibly be the hold up? what if they aren’t calling because it’s bad? what if none of the seven made it? what if they just forgot to call? m did her best to calm me down by reminding me it is sunday and really all they are doing as far as i go is scheduling a time to come in for the transfer. but it is more than that – it’s the fertility report update that really matters. the “minor details” that had me precariously perched on the edge. and then finally finally the phone rang at 11:15. the embryologist woman asked if i had a pen to write a few things down. transfer time. arrival time. valium time. when to start storing water like a camel. as i am jotting these things down in big black sharpie i am thinking so clearly this is happening but how are the embryos? and then my fears were calmed – 6 out of the previous 7 are well on their way. i sighed a happy sigh. and hung up after the woman wished me luck. i feel like i can breathe again. and now i’m off to spend the rest of the day in the sun with m and hook before i gladly host my embryos and hope they decide to take up a more lengthy residence.