holding back

1 Apr

“i hold my cards up close to my chest. i say what i have to then i hold back the rest.”

i talked to my father last night. we used to talk weekly. sometimes more often. and then his world started crumbling. or maybe it was crumbling for a long time and it was only recently that he finally saw the wreckage. i have tried to help but admittedly in a long arm somewhat detached sort of way. i live ~1,400 miles away. and the truth is there is only so much you can do when you see someone heading for a disaster that they are attempting to ignore. he asks for advice – legal or otherwise – and then generally disregards it.  or forgets. a few months ago when he was out of work and getting a divorce and losing his house we offered to fly him out to see us for a bit. he declined because he was too busy. hook has seen my father – his grandfather – a total of maybe 7 times in his life. since he was born 5 years ago my father has never visited. so let’s just say my expectations aren’t really all that high. he remembers birthdays. and sends gifts for holidays. just today he sent hook an awesome easter basket. but the truth is he knows nothing of our life. i mentioned toward the end of last year that we were considering ivf since all other attempts had failed. he thought it sounded great and lauded our skills as parents. i know he does what he can. but the truth is he doesn’t know any of what is going on. could i tell him? of course. would it matter? probably not. so last night when i finally spoke to my dad again and he asked what i was up to and how things were i responded with “not much. a little this. a little that.” but it feels so strange to be immersed in something so pivotal and potentially life changing without other people. my parents (my mom doesn’t know either but for different reasons entirely). really knowing about it. if it works they will certainly know. if not perhaps there are some things better left unsaid. i’m not really sure.

i have fallen into my pattern of not talking to anyone about what is going on. perhaps even more so than last year with the IUI’s. i have my friend and confidante at work evan. and k out in LA. aside from them – and of course m – this has been a limited admittance event. i am vague in answering questions for those who know any of the “build-a-baby” plan and yet i feel like i want to explain it all to someone. i just have no idea who. or even what i would say. right now it’s a whole lot like bowling alone.

and then there is a lot of the time that i wonder if friends or colleagues or other people i spend my days with know something is brewing beneath the surface. but in all actuality they are submerged in their own lives. fighting their own battles. as they should be. and i try to be cognizant of what is gong on with other people. but at times i admit i just want to be selfish and think about where i am and where we are in our story. sometimes it can make you lonely when you wonder if anyone really knows what is going on with anyone else. but other times it just helps you remember that what may be so important to you is insignificant to other people. actually that isn’t comforting at all even if is true…

anyhow, tomorrow is the start of the month where all the magic happens.

TO DO LIST

birth control pills

20 iu lupron injections for 10 days

baseline violation

baseline estradiol

5 iu lupron injections until hcg

75 iu menopur for 7-12 days

300 iu bravelle for 7-12 days

become a regular at the RE’s office for a week

Bring it on!

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One Response to “holding back”

  1. lis 6 ThuUTC2010-04-01T09:33:03+00:00UTC04bUTCThu, 01 Apr 2010 09:33:03 +0000 2009 at 9:33 AM #

    Oh wow its really happening! I’m so excited for you and M. I am hoping n praying and sending you a ton of luck. We kept our IVF quiet too, and it made it that much more precious. I don’t think the inclination to share info ever really goes away but we constantly learn from our mistakes of saying too much to the wrong person. I think your quote says it all. People rarely regret saying too little. I’m glad you are at least keeping us filled in 🙂 best,lis xoxo

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