we needed a little break in the monotony. or at least that is what the little beans decided. so yesterday i was having my usual nausea and getting sick on and off at work. but in the late afternoon i started to feel cramping. i have been crampy in the past few weeks a couple of times but it was pretty fleeting. this cramping however went on. and on. i finished out my work day and picked up hook for his tee-ball game. watched the game and was still feeling a bit off. headed home where i noticed a bit of blood. not a lot but more than nothing. and i panicked. really panicked. i felt the walls closing in on me and i was scared. i called m who was out with some friends and she immediately came home (even though i told her not to). put a call in to my dr’s office and left a message with the answering service. the on call doc called me back in about 15 minutes. she calmed my nerves by explaining this was pretty normal and to just take it easy until morning when i could call the office to schedule an u/s for today. so i went to sleep. and actually slept for a bit. still worried but less than before. woke up feeling okay. read nauseous and hungry. and called for an appointment. time was set and i waited a bit before heading over. m met me at the office and one of the fantastic nurse practitioners met us to take a look. immediately she said everything looks great upon seeing 2 heart beats and i felt the grip on my heart loosen a touch. taking a closer look at each little bean both are measuring perfectly. and their hearts are beating away. bean a at at 179. bean b at 178. after assuaging my fears and confirming all was well the np tried to determine a source of the bleed but was still unconcerned. cervix is closed. a few cysts on my ovaries but again nothing worrisome. i was more than relieved. i was ecstatic. and finally able to take a deep breath again. no exercise for a bit. shouldn’t be too difficult considering i am not allowed to run. i basically want to sleep and eat. and it is rather hot out.
let’s hope that is about as exciting as things get for a while…
the past week or so has been quite busy. and i have been struggling to stay upright – between my incessant need to sleep and my overwhelming urge to vomit it has been interesting. i have spend the past 5 days with two of m’s closest friends from college and their twin 2-year old sons. absolutely amazing family. fantastic kids. lots of fun. i have a new love of my life – and yes he is 2. we figured out that hook is in for a huge shock when our babies arrive but i think he will be able to soldier through it. no mistake – he was very good – but he is used to all of the attention being on him…and well it wasn’t and it will not be.
returned to my regular ob last week. he was amusing. very excited and we talked for nearly 45 minutes. as we talked he made a list of supplements and vitamins for me to take (complete with costco prices) and a book he suggests. officially got the word that there will be no running allowed during pregnancy. but he assured me that even if i have a c-section i can be up and running 3 weeks later. ha! really that is not likely to be the first thing on my mind at that point in time. but good to know all the same.
also learned that b and b are expecting as well! i am extremely excited for them. they have had a tough go of things with two m/c in the past year or so. hoping and wishing that all works out this time! also hoping that k and z get the positive they have been seeking as well.
i am still paranoid all the time. paranoid when i am not extremely nauseous. paranoid when i am vomiting. paranoid when i feel crampy. won’t get another chance to look at the precious little ones for another two and a half weeks…until then i am just trying to appreciate everyday that i am pregnant.
let’s get something out of the way to start with – the nausea thing – not really awesome. comforting yes. but feeling like you are in a constant hangover all day long day after day is a bit well, draining. obviously i will take it if it means all is progressing well, but i;m just saying – i stand corrected – it is not awesome.
monday i learned my dear friend k and her husband are expecting and due in november. i am super excited for them! the rest of the week consisted of nausea. and work. and nausea. and more work. with the occasional vomiting.
and then there was today…our first ultrasound. we waited about 15 anxious minutes in the room. then my RE and the tech arrived. and we were off. and i knew immediately. there are not one, but TWO, gorgeous babies growing in there. Twins! and they both look fantastic. measuring right on target. one two days ahead. the other exactly on point. my RE was ecstatic. m and i are in shock. it seems so surreal. everything looked so good that we were transferred back to our regular OB already!
so overjoyed. wrapping my head around this might take a bit.
so finally. finally. (because yes, right now 5w3d seems like a long time). i am starting to feel a bit pukey. most people would cringe at the thought. but not i. because it is a sign. a symptom. a side effect. tangible proof that something is going on. i haven’t been overly hungry. or exhausted. or much else that people tend to complain mention in early pregnancy. a few afternoons i have felt like eating was the worst idea ever. but it has been intermittent and fleeting. the past few days though have seen a serious uptick in the nausea factor. and the noticing of absolutely revolting smells. last night i made myself lay as still as possible so as not to toss my cookies. (literally since i has stopped off at w.hole foods for the best chocolate chip cookie ever). and i didn’t. i was telling m that the whole hungry and nauseous at the same time thing is quite interesting. but i am appreciating it for now. when m was pregnant with hook she never had any morning sickness. ever. well she did heave up a prenatal vitamin once but that is it. so this is all outside of her realm. and she keeps reminding me that feeling like nothing is going on is completely normal. but i don’t know what i don’t know. to me it is comforting. and disgusting at the same time.
so just a week ago i received the great – and shocking – news. and since then i have been in the process of digesting. processing. thinking. for the most part everything still seems exactly the same. well physically at least. minor changes. i know there are bound to be changes coming soon but it still is hard to wrap my head around without them. yesterday things seemed off. different somehow. i was panicking a bit wondering if everything was still progressing as it should be. i was convinced that something bad had happened overnight. not that there was anything to make me think this but i woke up not having to pee. not feeling like my boobs had spent the previous night as a punching bags. (of course i discounted the fact that i was up in the middle of the night and yes, i was feeling pretty beaten around the chest at that point). perhaps that is one of the drawbacks of IF – you are too aware of all of the potential pitfalls and problems that could arise. i’ve never been here. to this unchartered territory of pregnancy. everything is new. everything feels different. even when it doesn’t feel any different. so i asked m to pick up some hpt’s. knowing of course that they would not be a cure all to allay my fears but at a minimum it would be something to tide me over. so i took one. but not helpfully neither box had any sign in it. not even the control line. great. then later the pregnant line appeared but still not the control. fascinating. by then i was feeling like i was just being ridiculous so i waited a whole 11 hours before i took another one this morning. and yes this time it worked. and the plus appeared immediately. (different type of test this time). i don’t know what to expect. you wait so long to actually be pregnant and then you still spend all your time waiting. between procedures. between tests. between appointments. right now i am counting down the days to the first u/s and trying not to lose my mind…
and apparently build-a-baby is now the size of a strawberry seed or perhaps even a sesame seed. working on wrapping my head around that too.
thursday morning still basking in the fantastic news i opted to take a hpt. to see for myself. since hearing something and seeing it are not one in the same. and in a way i wanted to bridge the gap between blood tests. a second blue line appeared quickly and i took a picture and sent it off to m who was traveling for work. then i commenced the rest of my day. thursday went by quickly with a smattering of meetings and pressing requests. one of the only two people who i actually personally shared the promising news sent me an email that said “so does it feel real yet?” and the truth is it doesn’t. i have never been on the positive side of the equation. there hasn’t been an other opportunities for me to really feel pregnant. and honestly at this point the only “symptoms” i have thus far are a need to pee all the time (which is somewhat amusing considering i have possibly the worlds smallest bladder) and my boobs hurt. there have been intermittent waves of nausea but nothing too bad. i’m not craving anything. i am tired but really no more than usual. i feel bloated but i have the entire time i was on bcp, stims, and progesterone. so to answer the question – no it doesn’t feel real yet.
friday i went in for blood draw #2. call came mid-meeting and also while i was mid-sentence. but i quickly excused myself and heard the reassuring news. 673 at 12dp5dt. (or is it 11 – do you count the day of transfer?) yup still bfp. and my estadiol was over 1000 so no more patches. yes keep jabbing yourself with progesterone injections though. i asked the nurse if i could ask her a few questions. she agreed so i took out the post-it note in my pocket (can’t forget these things, right?!). 1) is it okay to resume running or other aerobic exercise? that’s a negative. big bummer but if it helps i’m all for it. 2) it was previously mentioned not to drink or eat caffeine, can i eat chocolate? yes but in moderation. sidenote – this was the same thing they said about decaf coffee. i guess no keg of decaf and 5 pound Ghiradelli square for me. 3) is cramping normal? yes it is but try to take it easy and drink a lot of water. if you you are doing things that make you have more cramps then try to stop and rest. wonder if i can tell work i need a rest. then scheduled my first ultrasound for forever away 5/14. took a deep breath. texted m the new hcg number and walked back into my meeting and hopped right back into the riveting conversation.
so there it is. three confirmations. 2 by blood. 1 by urine. (i think i read that book…). yet i still have a tough time saying i’m pregnant. perhaps it is just the word. other people get pregnant. i was never one of them. and now joyfully, amazingly i am. once i start physically feeling more. and definitely once i see the u/s then i am sure i will be able to actually attribute the label to myself more readily. not that i will be voicing the words above a whisper to many for many weeks to come but still… for now i am dwelling in a bit of a lingering shock. eagerly looking forward to what each new day will bring.