after an above average annoying week at work. and some serious vomiting i decided to take today off from work. because i could. and i wanted to. i had a few things i had to attend to so after the nausea had dissipated and i was able to stay upright for more than 20 minutes i dropped hook off at daycare fashionably late. then i headed to ta.rget. looked through the maternity selection. because i am seriously running out of pants to wear and shirts that don’t bust (literally) at the seams. i located a few acceptable items but unless i either go back in time and become a pre-pregnancy size zero or double in size there was nothing that would fit. apparently 4 and 6 are popular maternity wear sizes. who knew? honestly before i looked at the clothes i was kind of thinking along the small, medium, large continuum rather than actual sizes. i guess tents are out of fashion this year. then i walked through the baby section and almost started to cry. because i am hormonal. and because it starts to feel more real when i look at all the adorable baby stuff. picked up a few other random things (a cucumber, a bra that actually fits, prepackaged provolone cheese, cheetos, you know the essentials). then i headed to the bookstore to find a book on twins. they stocked a few titles so i selected one that seemed reputable enough to give me some actual information without pretending it was written for the infant rather than an adult (i am admittedly a book snob) and headed home before meeting a friend for a working lunch. retrieved hook and called the plumber since the city broke my toilet (seriously they turned off the water on the street and when they turned it back on it was broken – chances of them reimbursing me for this: slightly less than zero).
then i started reading. and panicking. and no i don’t believe everything i read. but some highlights included: recommended weight gain – 45 to 55 pounds. daily caloric intake ~3500 a day. be prepared to stop working early. really early. like as early as 24 weeks. higher risk of bedrest. likelihood of babies in hospital for weeks. preterm labor. other complications. head. spinning. of course i knew some of this. i haven’t been completely ignoring things but all of it in front of me. confirming other things i have read. overwhelming to say the least. so i am trying to remember that what i know can help me. i have already added chicken to my diet. as a vegetarian for the past 7 years or so that wasn’t the easiest thing to do (still creeps me out at times) but i also need protein and i am not so good at that – never have been. i am trying to include milk in my diet even though i generally avoid lactose. i drink water incessantly. mild dehydration and i have a long history as friends. small steps. i have gained a few pounds. and then i seem to lose them. somewhat difficult with the nausea/vomiting but i am confident i can figure this all out.
for the moment though i think i will go back to reading The 19.th Wife. fiction can be a good distraction from actual information some days.
for the past work or so i haven’t really had much to say. and that is actually a good thing. things are progressing. not much has changed. i am exhausted. i am nauseous. i added in some migraines so as not to get too boring but then turned down the narcotics (category c) offered by the doctor to deal with them. i appreciate his efforts to help but aren’t people supposed to STOP using drugs when they are pregnant. the way i look at it i can do anything for another 6 months to keep the figs safe. i’m running out of clothes to wear. i’m starting to look like there might be a human or two growing in there. as hook (who still doesn’t know) said last night “your stomach is starting to look a bit puffy. maybe there are babies in there already”. this was after he asked m if she was bringing home junk food so i could get bigger to fit some babies. and some days i really do wonder where they are going to fit. but people much smaller than i have had twins so i’m sure it all works out somehow…
this past weekend while m was off in chicago with some friends to run the w.arrior d.ash we entertained b and b for a bit. they are 13 weeks pregnant. after 2 m/c’s it was so amazing to see everything working out so well this time around. and it’s also fun that our babies should be born within weeks of one another. the boy and i also took in t.oy sto.ry 3.
this morning m and i headed off to the perinatologist. not because anything is wrong but since i am “high-risk” by virtue of carrying 2 my doctor suggested it and he is a pretty honest guy so i generally do what he says. anyhow we met with the genetic counselor. a lovely woman. she explained the screening (nuchal fold measurement and blood work) then asked some questions about family history and explained the plethora of other screenings available. we declined everything except this one. it’s non-invasive. and it is another chance to get a good look at our little loves. the u/s was great. again both are measuring on target – though we may have an either a) overachiever or b) hungry little one since one is measuring 12w3d and the other is measuring 11w6d (this is where we actually are). both had great heartbeats and again they were wiggling around. b flipped completely over and needed a little prodding to get measurements taken. a kept throwing a hand up to its forehead in seeming exasperation. all told we were able to look at the two of them for about 30 minutes. and then some simple bloodwork. after the appointment we decided perhaps it was time to tell our families. i texted my mom asking if she could come to visit the week after xmas (she is off) and a few minutes later she responded with “i can try. why are you asking now?” so i sent her an u/s pic with both babies. she immediately called sobbing. after speaking with her for a bit i called my dad and told him. he was low-key but i think excited. once back at work i emailed my sister (who it should be noted is unable to ever keep anything a secret) who also cried. and i texted my brother. m was calling and texting her siblings as well. as for everyone else i think we will still wait a bit. and of course we need to tell hook. i think that is in the cards for next week…though honestly he already seems to know. it feels a little strange to actually utter the words to other people but we are slowly tipping the bean jar until they all spill out.
yesterday morning i woke up around 7:30 and thought just over two months ago i would be close to finishing up a ~10 mile run. that was my saturday morning. it was what i did. and part of what defined me. a mother. a partner. a runner. but not anymore. i am actually getting kind of good at being lazy. recently a lot of people have asked how much i am running and what my next race is. my answers have varied. on one occasion my boss asked if i ran the previous weekend. i said no and he said well why not? because it is that out of character for me. unless i was hurt i was running. at this point i have found it easier to just say yes i am running but not as much. and when pressed i basically just say i am taking it easy since i finished up the last marathon. and as for what is next i leave it pretty open and just say i am looking into a few different half marathons. it works for now. and of course once i divulge my precious amazing secret the point will be null. but honestly i miss running. i feel pretty out of place with out it. with that being said i would sacrifice just about anything for the safety and health of the two kumquats and if it is running then so be it. just feels a bit strange still…
hook mentioned babies again yesterday. and today. he was insistent that we have one. or more specifically that i have one. and then he decided perhaps we should have two. he told us how he would help and even empty out a drawer in his dresser so one could sleep in there. (the other would have a box with a pillow). he showed us how he would rock them both at night when they cried. and said he would feed them mashed potatoes. when asked how we would go about getting a baby or two he responded as usual with “the doctor will put it in. or a hospital could do it too. or you could just order them on-line”. why do i have the feeling that my son will be quite shocked when he learns how babies are really made (both in our situation and in the “natural” way). ideas for names from hook include: sprinkles, sparkles, deluxe, joesconsin, storm, and lemonada. are these gladiators, strippers or babies? we may have to diverge a bit from his list. we are waiting a few more weeks but i am anticipating that he will be quite pleased with the news.
as for my grandfather – he is steadily improving. the cancer is treatable. it is still too early to tell of the damage from the stroke but he seems to be improving at a promising rate.
just hoping that everything keeps moving forward. with the kumquats. and my grandfather. and for everyone out there who just needs it right now.
yesterday i was able to see my two little dancing kumquats. both measuring on target (splitting the difference of 10w1d by being 10w2d and 10w0d). b had an arm with a teeny tiny hand over his/her face and adorable little legs that were a wiggling. a was moving around quite a bit as well – putting on a show for me. both had strong heartbeats. 167 and 177. and then after the u/s i was able to hear the soothing train sound of their little hearts beating away. it was incredible. as much as you might know something is going on inside it is so amazing to see it – and hear it. and so my nerves were calmed for a bit. we have officially moved to the fetal stage. all i can say is i am more and more in love with the two of them than i knew it was possible to be with two little someones who i cannot physically touch or hold in my arms yet.
last night it stormed like crazy. and this morning it was pouring. it seemed fitting somehow and i was quite content. even while thinking about my grandfather and his recent (yesterday) diagnosis with lung cancer. so i went to work and after a meeting noticed a text from my mom and a call from my sister. grandpa had a serious stroke. he is hanging in there but it isn’t clear where things will go from here. i feel disconnected. they are over 1500 miles away and i am here. last night after learning about the cancer diagnosis m and i were discussing baby names and how to incorporate my grandfathers name in somehow. and it made me sad. but hopeful for the babies at the same time. because they will need names. and family. and love. just like my grandfather needs now. well perhaps not the name part. i want to be able to tell him about the impending addition of two more great grandchildren. i hope i get that chance.
so this is all disjointed and babbling i know. but i guess what it comes down to is the interconnectedness of life. and its fragility. and it has all made for a strangely long day.
i get nervous. a lot. perhaps even more so when i have a doctors appointment pending. i start to wonder if everything is okay. and if something went horribly amiss since the last appointment. of course i have no reason to believe this. but no one ever said pregnancy made you logical either…
i am steadily getting bigger. looking like perhaps i ingested way too many donuts and they went straight to my belly. and i am still sick on a regular basis. tomorrow i will get to take another look at my little beans (or kumquats as they now are) and my fears will be assuaged – at least for a few more weeks.
i think i have successfully entered the “how can one possibly be this tired and still function” stage. i long for the opportunity to nap under my desk. or to head out to my car over lunch and curl up on the back seat. but of course i don’t. i traverse my way through the day in a zombie like state. it’s kind of amusing. and at night i actually can’t sleep all that well. i imagine this will pass soon. otherwise feeling acceptable. not great. not horrible. but definitely grateful.
in other news hook graduated from pre-k this week. it was a lovely ceremony. singing by 5 year olds in caps and gowns. followed by a potluck. some days i can’t believe he is already going into kindergarten. and other days i feel like he should already be there. it is an interesting conundrum.
otherwise things are moving steadily along. still trying to wrap my head around the logistics of two. two babies. two never seemed like a big number but it still is a bit intimidating when i actually think about all of it. of course i would not have it any other way. i am trying to enjoy each day of this unknown – for whatever it may bring.