some days

i like being pregnant. i can look down at my swelling belly and know that there are little humans growing in there. i can feel them kicking me and i know they are moving around in there. i love how hook asks to see my belly on a daily basis. i will never forget the look on his face this weekend when he was able to feel his sister kick him for the first time. or how he attempted to coax mr. magoo later with a whispered “come on little boy, kick for your big brother”. i like watching my body change from day to day and week to week. i enjoy how m checks up on me. and the cat has taken to laying as close to my belly as possible. i like actually looking like i am carrying the most important packages in the world within me.

and then there are some days when i feel like i am bad at being pregnant. when i  feel like no clothing will ever really fit right again. and i am (still) nauseous . or having what seem to be non-stop braxton hicks. and there is constant worry in the back of my mind (and sometimes in the forefront). or when i realize that i am having a more difficult time doing ordinary things with my “not what it used to be” body. and i am confronted with the inability to find a comfortable position to sit or sleep in. and i am hot because my body has seemingly lost its ability to regulate my temperature in any meaningful way. but then i remember that all of these things are fleeting. they aren’t constant and they are in an ever present state of flux. i am doing what i can with what i don’t know. i haven’t been here before. it is all unknown to me. and at times it is scary.

but always – always – the good things remain. i tuck them deep into my pockets so i can take them out and look at them when things start to feel unsteady. or uneven. little reminders like the kicks in my belly that maybe i’m not so bad at this.