i spend far too much time talking about my boobs these days. they take such a prominent place in my world right now – both physically and functionally. a few weeks ago I started taking dom.peridone to increase my supply. and all was going well. the wigglers were down to only one 4oz. bottle a day. they seemed – dare I say – satiated for the most part. and I was doing that (with a little rx assistance but still). but the past few days seem like a return to the days of yore. I have some hungry wigglers on my hands. and try as I might I just can’t keep up. perhaps it’s just a growth spurt. or they have both ingested a really hungry parasite. But whatever it may be I have had to supplement more than I have been and it has been disappointing. and a bit infuriating. i want to be able to have confidence in my body and it’s abilities. i incubated these little humans the least i can do now that they have been expelled from my uterus is feed them. not an unreasonable request. alas it is what it is. I have been diligently drinking my tea, taking my fenugreek, ingesting my rx, and pounding water in the hope that this minor drought will be short lived. Cmon boobs – don’t fail me now!
And last post I forgot to mention that the wigglers had their two month dr appt last week. Magoo weighed in at 10lbs. 8.5oz (20-25th percentile). He is 22 3/4 inches long (50th percentile) and his noggin is 39.2 (25-50th percentile). Cindy Lou kept right on track at 8lbs 10.5oz (3-5th percentile) 21 3/4 inches long (25th percentile) and 37 head circumference (25th percentile). both are doing swimmingly and are pretty darn close to perfect!
or why i can’t get a damn thing done around here. i mean besides having two two month old babies i also seem to have lost the ability to follow through on anything. or perhaps it is precisely because i have two two month old babies. i think parenting a newborn has the potential to make you lose your damn mind. and not just because of sleep deprivation – which let’s recall – is used as a form of torture in military combat. but seriously it is virtually impossible to complete a task that isn’t baby related and borne of necessity. every day i usually have one or two things that must get done. and i make it a point to leave the house just about every day. sometimes those things are as simple as bathe and dress babies. other days they are more complex: take out recycling, bring dog to vet, drink half caf americano. i have been sending out baby announcements for weeks now. i have half addressed envelopes lying in a box. there are piles of newborn clothes i need to box up. in the super limited time when i do not have at least one wiggler attached to me i pretend to be a homemaker. but the only thing i seem to make are messes. i keep rereading this post wondering what i am talking about. and then wandering off physically, mentally, and technologically. maybe we should just keep blaming sleep punctuated with innumerable wakings for now and reassess in a few weeks (wishful thinking).
the only reason this post might actually get published is because i currently have both wigglers splayed out across my body – one in one arm, the other on my legs – and i am typing with one hand on a laptop resting atop a bobby pillow. perhaps this position will quell my…okay so i just checked my email, fed a baby, and browsed on etsy. but now i’ll hit publish!
perhaps it is the subzero freeze we have been in. or the angle of the sun. or the hormones finally simmering down. i am not sure what it is but i am relatively certain i don’t care. something happened this week. seven and a half weeks after the wigglers made their debut. the fog started to lift. and things kind of clicked into place. this certainly is not to say things are easier or less chaotic. but i opted to cut myself a little slack. i have been so worried about so many things. i wasn’t sure i was doing anything right. and i’m still not. but that’s okay. i love my babies. i feed my babies. they are relatively clean. and we are all making it through everyday. and even enjoying most of them.
i have not been feeling like myself. i was weepy. and beside myself. and just feeling like there was too much to deal with. and then i felt guilty for feeling this way when i am so fortunate. so lucky. so blessed with amazing babies. a fantastic hook. and a wonderful partner. there was no particular reason. nothing i could point to and say this is what is wrong. except for the damn hormones. all wonky and running the show in my head. last week i started to own up to this and contemplated taking an anti.depressant for the benefit of my family. to say i had no interest in doing this is an understatement. but i am also cognizant of the fact that sometimes things are bigger than you and you need to accept help. i called my doctor. i started looking at natural ways to raise serotonin. and i started to acknowledge that this was indeed more than the baby blues… and then something started to shift. i woke up and felt more “normal”. more in my own head. on my own terms. i read about the emotional side of having twins. and how it is normal to feel taken by surprise. and overwhelmed. and to acknowledge that there will be highs. and low lows. and sometimes you might need something to help get you through and there is no shame in this. no reason to feel guilty or like you have done something wrong. fortunately i don’t think i am there right now. this calmness has sort of washed over me. and i am embracing it. but keeping in the back of my mind that it is okay if i need something to help me through this patch as well. sure i’m still exhausted. and overwhelmed. but i can see it all more clearly now. and i am enjoying it. i feel more involved in my own life. and i wouldn’t change a moment of the precious time i get to spend with the wigglers. even during the simultaneous screaming. or the sleepless nights (which are becoming much less frequent). or when i am covered in spit up after having been peed on. watching my babies grow and change and smile makes it all worth it. every day may not be rainbows and unicorns but they are all beautiful in their own way.
highlights thus far this week include: showering two days in a row. doing at least one load of laundry a day. and putting less than half of it away. going to the wednesday weigh in where i learned that magoo is now 10lbs and cindy lou who is up to 8lbs, 4oz. being only 5 minutes late for a 7am dr appt after dropping hook off at school and having both wigglers with me. breastfeeding while at the vets office this week (i can cross that off my “things to do before i die list”). and i ran. well i moved forward with some momentum for a measurable distance so i guess that kinda counts. 🙂
we are up to seven weeks over here. everything and everyone is in flux all the time despite the groundhog day like quality of many of our days. the wigglers are growing and changing everyday. they are both super alert and interested in looking at everything around them. yesterday cindy lou made my day with a sweet little smile. her brother is still holding out on us but it is definitely forthcoming. magoo is a kicker. he pushes against everything with this feet resulting in the need for quick hands to grab him if you aren’t paying attention. they are both becoming more audible and coming into their own personalities. magoo is laid back and sweet. but when that boy wants something he wants it yesterday and has no qualms about letting you know. his face is amazingly expressive and he often appears deep in thought. cindy lou on the other hand is more demanding. a bit more high maintenance. she loves to be held. all. the. time. or at least in extremely close proximity so you can reach out and touch her at any given moment. she has the saddest cry (think wounded baby kitten) and makes her lower lip quiver. enough to ensure that you feel bad if you do not immediately pick her up. i love watching how they come more into themselves each day.
it is incredible to watch hook interact with them. he has these funny conversations with them all the time. in the car yesterday he said to magoo (who was screaming at that moment) “let me tell you there will be expectations when you are in kindergarten. and if you don’t meet them there will be consequences.” or when he looked pleadingly at cindy lou (also screaming) and said “just tell me what you need baby girl. your big brother will do anything for you”. he constantly says “i always wanted a baby sister”. all too cute.
and here are a few highlights of our going ons to date:
car seat ocd. everyday i put the wigglers in the car. one on one side. one on the other. obviously this involves carrying out two carriers opening one door putting one seat on the ground while heaving the other into its base and adjusting until the necessary “click” is heard. then going to the other side opening the door heaving second seat up onto the base and listening for the reassuring “click” and then i get in the car. click my own seat belt and we are off. every day without fail i panic and look in the backseat just to make sure i put both car seats in. sometimes a few times. i mean of course i did but i am so afraid of forgetting one of them that i check. all. the. time. perhaps light switch flicking and repetitive hand washing is in my future.
reflux redux. magoo spits up. a lot. gross – yes but fine. until he started arching his back and having some episodes of turning bright red and gasping while sleeping. scary. and obviously painful to my boy. reflux it is. an rx for prev.acid. a seemingly happier child. and the hope that i may yet leave the house without a drop of spit up on my clothes. a girl can dream can’t she?!
no more dessert. over the weekend my rx for dom.peridone arrived. and brought with it a renewed sense of determination to get the wigglers off of their formula supplement. i am relatively sure giving them formula has made them lazy eaters. they eat for a bit and then wait for their “dessert” of formula. i am not opposed to supplementing if necessary or to formula feeding fully if the situation demands it. but for me and the wigglers this was not what i planned. and i figure if i can breastfeed them i would like to. so i have been attempting to feed on demand. previously i would bf, then pump (when i could), and give them a supplement if they were still acting hungry. now i am just putting them back on to feed. this nascent experiment is going well. yesterday they only needed two supplements – one in the evening and one before bed. so either they are eating more efficiently or the increased supply is just allowing them to actually get more. either way it looks promising… i just need to find a way to pump more during the day.
torture. this morning after being up since 5am the wigglers were finally sleeping. soundly. on me. but i wanted to shower. heck if you saw me you would say i needed to shower. and we had a lunch date so i delicately lifted up both babies and oh so carefully carried the two of them upstairs. and then i laid them down. on a bed of nails. or at least that is what you would have thought. there was screaming. screeching. and general unhappiness. and then a touch of calm so i ran for it and took my shower. i was greeted loudly upon my exit. and then since i was feeling especially mean i further tortured them each with a bath 🙂