click

10 Feb

perhaps it is the subzero freeze we have been in. or the angle of the sun. or the hormones finally simmering down. i am not sure what it is but i am relatively certain i don’t care. something happened this week. seven and a half weeks after the wigglers made their debut. the fog started to lift. and things kind of clicked into place. this certainly is not to say things are easier or less chaotic. but i opted to cut myself a little slack. i have been so worried about so many things. i wasn’t sure i was doing anything right. and i’m still not. but that’s okay. i love my babies. i feed my babies. they are relatively clean. and we are all making it through everyday. and even enjoying most of them.

i have not been feeling like myself. i was weepy. and beside myself. and just feeling like there was too much to deal with. and then i felt guilty for feeling this way when i am so fortunate. so lucky. so blessed with amazing babies. a fantastic hook. and a wonderful partner. there was no particular reason. nothing i could point to and say this is what is wrong. except for the damn hormones. all wonky and running the show in my head. last week i started to own up to this and contemplated taking an anti.depressant for the benefit of my family. to say i had no interest in doing this is an understatement. but i am also cognizant of the fact that sometimes things are bigger than you and you need to accept help. i called my doctor. i started looking at natural ways to raise serotonin. and i started to acknowledge that this was indeed more than the baby blues… and then something started to shift. i woke up and felt more “normal”. more in my own head. on my own terms. i read about the emotional side of having twins. and how it is normal to feel taken by surprise. and overwhelmed. and to acknowledge that there will be highs. and low lows. and sometimes you might need something to help get you through and there is no shame in this. no reason to feel guilty or like you have done something wrong. fortunately i don’t think i am there right now. this calmness has sort of washed over me. and i am embracing it. but keeping in the back of my mind that it is okay if i need something to help me through this patch as well. sure i’m still exhausted. and overwhelmed. but i can see it all more clearly now. and i am enjoying it. i feel more involved in my own life. and i wouldn’t change a moment of the precious time i get to spend with the wigglers. even during the simultaneous screaming. or the sleepless nights (which are becoming much less frequent). or when i am covered in spit up after having been peed on. watching my babies grow and change and smile makes it all worth it. every day may not be rainbows and unicorns but they are all beautiful in their own way.

highlights thus far this week include: showering two days in a row. doing at least one load of laundry a day. and putting less than half of it away. going to the wednesday weigh in where i learned that magoo is now 10lbs and cindy lou who is up to 8lbs, 4oz. being only 5 minutes late for a 7am dr appt after dropping hook off at school and having both wigglers with me. breastfeeding while at the vets office this week (i can cross that off my “things to do before i die list”). and i ran. well i moved forward with some momentum for a measurable distance so i guess that kinda counts. 🙂

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3 Responses to “click”

  1. Bionic Baby Mama 6 FriUTC2011-02-11T13:26:29+00:00UTC02bUTCFri, 11 Feb 2011 13:26:29 +0000 2009 at 1:26 PM #

    that definitely counts. thank you for posting this. it’s necessary, i think, to hear that people have the lows and good to hear that there is a way out.

  2. Defining Family 6 FriUTC2011-02-11T14:59:54+00:00UTC02bUTCFri, 11 Feb 2011 14:59:54 +0000 2009 at 2:59 PM #

    I absolutely agree. The realness of your posts is wonderful – this one is no different. Those all sound like major accomplishments. You truly impress me and your honesty is appreciated. Thanks for sharing.

  3. Mina 6 ThuUTC2011-02-17T15:00:44+00:00UTC02bUTCThu, 17 Feb 2011 15:00:44 +0000 2009 at 3:00 PM #

    I really related to this post, I went through a lot in the first month and a half after Dylan was born. Crying jags, sadness and of course overwhelming joy. Such a rollercoaster of emotions. Add that with the pain from giving birth, back pain from holding the baby night and day, having problems with breastfeeding, and swelling…it was not the easiest of times, to say the least. But eventually, the cloud lifted, and each day has gotten better & better.
    Like you, I was *this* close to having the doctor prescribe me something. But I found my state of being became lighter and happier out of nowhere, so I didn’t need to. But if I did need to take something, I would have felt zero shame in that.

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