resignation

4 Mar

when we found out ten months ago that we were having twins one of the first things m said to me when we walked out of the re’s office was: you are going to have to quit your job. (she also rambled on about a new vehicle to accommodate our growing brood and redoing the attic). at that point i had so much to wrap my head around that i kind of moved it to the back of my mind. since then this has been tucked in the back somewhere occasionally rearing its head for examination. and as i grew bigger and bigger i worked harder and harder. i have never loved my job but i have still managed to do it quite well. i worked up until two days before the wiggler debut when i was put on bed rest. and i pretty much knew that those days of working would probably be my last for some time. thoughts of returning to work still rolled around in my head. i priced out daycare options – $626/week! factoring in commuting and day care for hook my paycheck would be a wash (in fact i might be paying to have a job). i took a hard look at what we want for our family. and made the somewhat difficult decision to stay home with the wigglers for a while.

yesterday was the day. i had been dreading it. actually writing a resignation letter gave me a panic attack. i walked into work pushing a double stroller and tendered my resignation. my manager seemed somewhat taken back and went on to tell me how bad this is for him. luckily a few friends appeared quickly and allowed me to step out of this awkward rehashing of how difficult his job is and how i am making that worse. only a few people were genuinely surprised by the news. most were just happy to meet and hold the wigglers (who barely even fussed the entire 3 hours we were there). and so it is done. in less than two weeks i will officially be a stay at home mom.

this is what i want. i cannot imagine leaving the wigglers with a stranger (or anyone else for that matter).with hook we were able to make our schedules work to keep him out of daycare for over 10 months. the wigglers deserve that too.

still i am conflicted. resigning feels so final. like i am closing a chapter but i can’t find the next page. i was good at my job. i knew what to do most of the time. and it had relatively set hours. parenting is nothing like that. most days i fumble around hoping i am not doing something detrimental to the well being of the children. and it never ends. i’m on all the time. there is no commute time to decompress even a little before resuming a new role at home. i feel like i am losing part of my identity. the parts of me that are separate from my kids. i will not be working for a paycheck and i lack an official job title. i haven’t been running – i lack both the time and the energy. even if i had “free time” i don’t know what i would do with it. (this of course does not stop me from wanting some all the same.) i must admit i feel increasingly isolated. i talk to babies and a cat and a dog for most of the day. magoo and cindy lou sometimes respond with smiles and cooing but all in all neither man nor beast regularly talks back. and i have a lot of time on my hands to think. and that is rarely good.

i know i sound ridiculous and ungrateful. and that is the last thing i am. so many women dream of being able to stay home. heck i have dreamt about quitting for years before the wigglers were even in the picture (to pursue other employment options). and i can’t explain to you how excited i am to have this time with the wigglers. and more time with hook. i am fortunate that m has an incredible job that she absolutely loves that allows me to stay home. and that she works so hard to make sure we are all well taken care off. no doubt there will be some belt tightening over the next few months but we should be okay. and probably wiser about our spending habits.

i am curious to see how i will fare in my new role as i take on the most challenging and rewarding job in the world.

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One Response to “resignation”

  1. Pufferfish 6 FriUTC2011-03-04T11:37:36+00:00UTC03bUTCFri, 04 Mar 2011 11:37:36 +0000 2009 at 11:37 AM #

    Congrats on making the decision! I know it’s not easy and there’s a lot to grapple with.
    You and I seem to have a lot in common as there’s so much in this post I can relate to. If you ever want to talk–PM me and you’ll reach a real live human being:)
    Hang in there.

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