Archive | May, 2011

delusions

17 May

before the wigglers were born i had all of these ideas. thoughts. preconcieved notions of how things would be. and then they arrived. and everything changed.and now five months in i can see some of my delusions. and the flip side of how things really are.

  • i thought i would be able to run on a regular basis. i had visions of putting the babies in their bouncy seats beside the treadmill as i knocked out a few miles. this has never happened. today was the first day that i was able to run while i was home alone with the babies. they were napping. it was a quick run but a run all the same
  • i mistakenly believed my body would go back to its prepregnancy shape. prepregnancy weight – yes. shape – not even close. i know this sounds absurd but i think i believed it because i wanted it to be so. it isn’t even close. hello mummy tummy. you can leave any time now. i appreciate what my body did but still i am missing my abs a bit. and my hips. perhaps with a little work. in my spare time. ha. i can relegate some things back to their proper place.
  • i believed i would be able to go out for walks. or meeting up with friends. or anything else with the wigglers. not so much. the logistics of this are well – difficult. i mean i do get out of the house each and every day. and i have gone for walks. and met up with friends. and gone to the zoo. and we pick up hook from school. but honestly getting around with two infants (and their car seats) who are awake for only 2-3 hour stretches at a clip is a bit challenging. and soon i will be carrying them rather than putting them in their seats. and that will bring its own element of excitement
  • i imagined exclusively breastfeeding the wigglers for a full year. no issues with supply. no pain. nothing. of course that was not the case. i am still breastfeeding. some days it is 70% BF/30% formula. others it is 50/50. either way it is working. of course i didn’t always feel this way. and some days i still feel like i am failing the wigglers somehow. but i am doing what i can. and that has to be enough.
  • i believed my life would be very similar to what it was before the wigglers were born. but the truth is it is entirely different. and better. i have always loved being a parent to hook. even when it is hard. and i don’t know what i am doing. and now i have three children who i get to learn from. and love. and it is incredible. and my relationship with m is fantastic. i feel like we are in this together. and i am so overwhelmingly in love with my family.
  • i thought the wigglers would sleep through the night at 3 – maybe 4 – months. well we are now at 5 and this isn’t happening. magoo has slept 12-13 hours at a clip so i know its possible. cindy lou still seems to want to hang out with me a few times a night. it will come. i have no doubt. it has to right?!
  • i believed the first few months would be hard but then i would be able to come up for air. and to some extent that is true. i get to shower a few times a week now. we have a pretty regular nap schedule. and a bedtime routine. but then again i have no idea how it is may already. the other day i was adding something to my calendar and i was certain i was on the wrong month because there was no way it could possible be may already. i feel like january happened. and perhaps part of february. but most of march and april are just a blur. i am trying so hard to be in the moment and appreciate it all. but sleep deprivation makes that a bit difficult at times. at least i have this blog. and some random notes. and pictures to hopefully remind me of all the amazingness that has happened already.
  • i thought i would be able to handle it. and the truth is i am handling it. and i am enjoying it. but it hasn’t been easy. and after trying to rail against it for so long i finally had to admit i had ppd. and i made the choice to get some help. and things are on the upswing. and i am better able to enjoy my family. and be a better parent. and partner.
  • i thought i would love my babies with all my heart. and the truth is i love them so much more than i ever could have imagined. i am amazed every single day by how incredible they are. and that they are ours.

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