tonight I was out with a friend. a good friend. for drinks and dinner. and good conversation. we started talking about babies. my babies. and her desire to have a baby. and I found myself trying to explain the love you have for your children. and being unable to do so. it’s indescribable. and undefinable. all encompassing. and amazing. but I truly believe it is one of those things you can’t really define until you experience it. I look at the wigglers – my babies – and am awestruck that I grew them. that they lived inside me. that they are indeed my children. and I look at hook and am amazed. and impressed. and consumed by love. parenthood is an incredible journey. the most amazing trip I have ever been on. and I doubt there will ever be anything as riveting. and simultaneously overwhelming (in a good way).
mr. magoo has officially begun walking. for the past few weeks he has taken a few steps here or there. and then on monday he decided to give it a go. 10 steps. between the gate and the table. and then later from m to an excited hook. most of his steps are punctuated with a hop in there somewhere. apparently that seems like a more amusing mode of travel. little bunny boy. naturally every time i whip out my phone to take a video of it he drops to his knees and frantically crawls to me. i will get it on film. eventually. cindy lou is perfecting standing independently so i expect her to be toddling after her brother shortly. about that baby proofing…
the past nine months i have essentially been living in a bubble. i know little of what is going on around me in the world. and this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. hours pass. days pass. then weeks and months. and i can’t ever be sure I am really sure what has been going on. needless to say it feels a bit cloudy in my head. certainly less cloudy than the first three months that were dominated by sleep deprivation and nonstop feedings. but still seems like a slight chance of rain most days. i must admit i have taken to sticking my head in the sand a bit. i don’t really watch the news. or read the paper. or anything that would keep me apprised of current events. my current events are generally only what i see right in front of me. making food for the wigglers for the week. getting hook off to school and swimming. making a dentist appointment. giving the dog ear medicine. and perhaps tackling some cleaning projects. none of this is necessarily a bad thing. but it is interesting. and a definite shift from where i have been at other points in my life. seriously where did the summer go? is it almost october already? are my babies going to be one in less than three months? it has all been bittersweet. watching the wigglers (and hook) grow and change has been amazing. but it is also sad in a way. it’s almost like you want to slow things down a bit. or find a way to better capture the moments. i suppose blogging more would help…
m often jokes that I should blog about how awesome she is. and as of yet I have never done so. the truth is i could sing her praises. as a parent she is responsible and dedicated. as a spouse she is supportive. as a mother is loving and fun. as a boss she is even handed and hard working. as my partner she is just that – a partner in our lives. we have been together for fourteen years this fall. fourteen. we often joke that i was just a baby duck when we met. barely 18. running headlong into my future. but once we met I knew. as cheesy as it sounds i just had that feeling that this was it. and so here we are fourteen years. and three kids later. recently many bloggers have been talking about the struggles in their relationships and in more than a few the dissolving of what was. and i have to say how extremely fortunate i feel. even at the risk of sounding cavalier. or somehow jinxing things. our relationship has seemingly never been better. it is almost like we have a renewed appreciation for one another. and we support one another. perhaps more so than we ever have. maybe it is a product of necessity. infant twins tend to be a bit. um. demanding. so we have had to pull together. and close ranks much more than we have in the past. or maybe over time we have just arrived at this place. a good place. a great place. i am not saying things are perfect. they rarely are in any relationship. but we can acknowledge that. and weave it into the fabric of our relationship. and our family life. m works. usually a lot. sometimes too much. she is passionate. and devoted. that is one of the things that drew me to her. the intensity with which she throws herself into things. m loves her kids. our kids. with a ferocity and genuineness that melts my heart. and reminds me of why i love her so.
things weren’t always stellar between us. there were definitely bumps in the road. times when I wasn’t sure how we would weather the next month together let alone years to come. for some time i was miserable in a job. and it had an impact on everything around me. and ttc struggles did not improve that situation. at times i wasn’t sure how we would manage. or if we should try. but we stuck it out. because there was always something worth fighting for.
having children changed us both. in so very many ways. we don’t get to spend much time together now. at least not without the beckoning. or crying. or clambering of at least one child. we hardly ever go out on “dates” together. most friday nights you will find us on the sofa watching a movie from red.box and talking. saturday m hangs out with the kids while i get up and run for a while. before reconvening for whatever we have slated for the day. sunday mornings we go to the farmers market. all five of us. this is something we started doing seven years ago when m was pregnant with hook. and it is something i look forward to. something that makes me appreciate who we are. and where we live. and the values we are instilling in our children. i wouldn’t trade those moments. it may rarely be quiet. and life could hardly ever be described in our house as peaceful. but we are forging ahead. together. i know that we will continue to have our ups and downs. over time. as we inevitably should. but i also know that no matter what – she will always be home to me.
this runs through my head. a lot. sometimes i wonder if i am doing something because i think it is best. or because i am trying to prove something. to whom i am not sure. at least most of the time. there are so very many things running through my head right now. i’m not even sure why. or if i can articulate them. i keep thinking of things i want to talk about but then once i get a chance i can’t seem to make any of it make sense. amazingly all of the children are asleep right now. at least for now. so i feel like i should make a concerted effort to post something. not running is honestly making me a little nutty i think. and the past few days have been long. with needy babies. and sassy six year olds. m is away for work. and my interaction with other humans over the age of 6 has been minimal. so here are a few of the random things running through my head if you care to follow along:
– i cancelled our cloth diaper service today. and it feels a bit like failing. but financially it wasn’t making sense. and it just got to a point that it wasn’t the best decision anymore. will it affect my babies? i somehow doubt that. i don’t remember what diapers i wore… and i think i wasn’t too scared by it.
– yesterday i felt a little bit like my life was on fire. there was so much coming at me from all angles. and none of it by itself was really anything. but together it was. well. overwhelming. during morning nap i decided to try a short run on the treadmill. it ended quickly. and discouragingly. in pain. naps were short. and sporadic. neediness was high. and i now wonder if the babies were feeding off of my malaise. i felt uncomfortable in my own skin. my clothes don’t fit right. and i haven’t lost another pound since the immediate post delivery period. i am still about 7 pounds above where i was pre-pregnancy and it makes me crazy. i know some women carry weight while breastfeeding but that doesn’t assuage my annoyance with it. anyhow. back to yesterday… we picked hook up at school. and once home i was short with him. and at one point very angry when he was too rough with his brother. i apologized but it still made me feel like a horrible mother.
– almost all day monday i wanted to set the wigglers down. turn on the television. and find something that would engage them for a few moments. i didn’t. but i desperately wanted to. with hook we never watched tv. and i do mean never. when he was about 18 months old he was hospitalized for an infection from a dog bite (whole other story). have you tried to keep an 18 month old still for any period of time. not possible. for the first time in his life we were pushing tv. ses.ame street. tho.mas the tank. anything. he wasn’t interested in any of it. that was kind of a good thing. but in that situation it definitely complicated things. but it was nice to see that playing with us. and toys and books were much more entertaining. once he was about two and a half we started letting him watch a little tv. mostly pbs. or noggin (which is now nick jr i think). a show here or there. and i always imagined it would be the same for the wigglers. i don’t like the way kids (and adults) get sucked in. staring slack jawed and wide eyed at the television. if it were up to me we would probably just get rid of the darn thing. but alas we do not. with hook being old enough to know the difference. the tv is on. sometimes. around the babies. i try to keep it to a minimum though. so often it feels like balancing competing interests. i can’t do some things with hook because i have to attend to the needs of the smallest humans. so i let him watch tv. which i would prefer he not do. so essentially i feel guilty either way…. always fun.
– i brought the wigglers to hooks swim class the other night. while he swam i entertained them with toys. and mum-mums. and all was well. but it was over an hour past bedtime. and once we arrived home the wigglers vetoed sleep. for hours on end. there was screaming. and crying. (by them not me. mostly.) and then crawling and babbling. and finally. finally. there was sleep for everyone. and a glass of wine for mommy.
– it is strange when i go anywhere without magoo and cindy lou who. or even with just one of them (during a divide and conquer weekend outing). i feel like something is missing. and it is a bit. uncomfortable. while simultaneously being way more manageable. but still i feel like i am defined by my babies. and by hook. when i am out for a run no one knows i have nearly nine month old twins and a close to seven year old at home. no one knows i didn’t run the entire time i was pregnant. no one knows if i was up half the night with a teething crying baby. or two. and frankly no one cares. just like i have no idea what goes on with other people. yet i still feel like i need that as my shield. my measure of where i have come. i find myself focusing on how i ran a 5k. a 10k. a half marathon when the wigglers were whatever number of months old. or patting myself on the back for getting out of the house nearly every day with both of them. but secretly yearning for the days when we don’t have to leave the house. and it isn’t about anyone else. perhaps this is part of the strange disentangling with having “a job”. my identity is somewhat up for grabs. i am a mother. a stay at home mother. i feel like i need to justify why i don’t have a job. a job i willingly. and happily. quit. but i worry others will see it differently. i wish that wasn’t so. i wish i wasn’t trying to prove something. or at least i wish i knew what it was. i have never felt so simultaneously fulfilled. and adrift. i have hands down the best “job” in the world. i would not trade the moments i spend with my kids for anything. and yet i still feel like i need to make them mean something more. for all of us.
i can’t run. and according to my doctor the wigglers are at least partially to blame. climbing up and down stairs all day. crawling. squatting. not to mention completely shot core muscles from a twin pregnancy. all this coupled with running 30+ miles a week equates to an injured knee. one could probably say an angry knee. it definitely seems grumpy. and rather unhappy with me at this time. it’s now been 12 days without a “real” run. i was resting (as much as wrangling two crawling standing babbling nearly nine month olds allow). i wore my special knee fixer upper brace. and i did magic leg lifts to strengthen my quads as suggested. and on tuesday i decided to give it a go. hopped on the treadmill (heeding the no hills advice) and started running. it was good. freeing. calming. until about half a mile in. when it was just painful. so I stopped. and felt a bit sorry for myself. the past two days haven’t exactly been stellar. magoo has apparently vetoed consistent night time sleep. last night he was up. 5 times. yup 5. teething? growth spurt? break with sanity? all of the above? the night before wasn’t much better. this makes for a tired mama. and a potentially grumpy one at that. running tends to help this. perhaps not making magoo sleep but providing me with a much needed break. and a chance to get a little lost. and found. in my own head. when i go out to run it is usually the only bit of solace i have. it is my break. from kids. and responsibilities. and everything. a way to manage it all. and break it down. and digest it. in bit sized pieces. so while clearly not a huge deal. this has definitely been a hiccup. on my path. this weekends 20 mile race will apparently start without me at the line. but perhaps with a little more rest. a little PT. and some alternative (not sure what this entails) unwinding. I should make it to memphis in december for my post baby marathon…
this is somewhat telling of my life i think… i was feeling super proud of myself. i looked at the list of colors. and told m rather early in august that we needed to get on it. that we were going to get pictures up on time this month. and we actually were on top of it. or at least m was. yesterday i started looking through the pictures. and picking out the ones for the collage. and then i checked the list again. and realized that i had skipped ahead. to purple. whoops. so here are some purple pictures. green will have to wait a bit…