what am i trying to prove (or completely random babbling)

13 Sep

this runs through my head. a lot. sometimes i wonder if i am doing something because i think it is best. or because i am trying to prove something. to whom i am not sure. at least most of the time. there are so very many things running through my head right now. i’m not even sure why. or if i can articulate them. i keep thinking of things i want to talk about but then once i get a chance i can’t seem to make any of it make sense. amazingly all of the children are asleep right now. at least for now. so i feel like i should make a concerted effort to post something. not running is honestly making me a little nutty i think. and the past few days have been long. with needy babies. and sassy six year olds. m is away for work. and my interaction with other humans over the age of 6 has been minimal. so here are a few of the random things running through my head if you care to follow along:

– i cancelled our cloth diaper service today. and it feels a bit like failing. but financially it wasn’t making sense. and it just got to a point that it wasn’t the best decision anymore. will it affect my babies? i somehow doubt that. i don’t remember what diapers i wore… and i think i wasn’t too scared by it.

– yesterday i felt a little bit like my life was on fire. there was so much coming at me from all angles. and none of it by itself was really anything. but together it was. well. overwhelming. during morning nap i decided to try a short run on the treadmill. it ended quickly. and discouragingly. in pain. naps were short. and sporadic. neediness was high. and i now wonder if the babies were feeding off of my malaise. i felt uncomfortable in my own skin. my clothes don’t fit right. and i haven’t lost another pound since the immediate post delivery period. i am still about 7 pounds above where i was pre-pregnancy and it makes me crazy.  i know some women carry weight while breastfeeding but that doesn’t assuage my annoyance with it. anyhow. back to yesterday… we picked hook up at school. and once home i was short with him. and at one point very angry when he was too rough with his brother. i apologized but it still made me feel like a horrible mother.

– almost all day monday i wanted to set the wigglers down. turn on the television. and find something that would engage them for a few moments. i didn’t. but i desperately wanted to. with hook we never watched tv. and i do mean never. when he was about 18 months old he was hospitalized for an infection from a dog bite (whole other story). have you tried to keep an 18 month old still for any period of time. not possible. for the first time in his life we were pushing tv. ses.ame street. tho.mas the tank. anything. he wasn’t interested in any of it. that was kind of a good thing. but in that situation it definitely complicated things. but it was nice to see that playing with us. and toys and books were much more entertaining. once he was about two and a half we started letting him watch a little tv. mostly pbs. or noggin (which is now nick jr i think). a show here or there. and i always imagined it would be the same for the wigglers. i don’t like the way kids (and adults) get sucked in. staring slack jawed and wide eyed at the television. if it were up to me we would probably just get rid of the darn thing. but alas we do not. with hook being old enough to know the difference. the tv is on. sometimes. around the babies. i try to keep it to a minimum though. so often it feels like balancing competing interests. i can’t do some things with hook because i have to attend to the needs of the smallest humans. so i let him watch tv. which i would prefer he not do. so essentially i feel guilty either way…. always fun.

– i brought the wigglers to hooks swim class the other night. while he swam i entertained them with toys. and mum-mums. and all was well. but it was over an hour past bedtime. and once we arrived home the wigglers vetoed sleep. for hours on end. there was screaming. and crying. (by them not me. mostly.) and then crawling and babbling. and finally. finally. there was sleep for everyone. and a glass of wine for mommy.

– it is strange when i go anywhere without magoo and cindy lou who. or even with just one of them (during a divide and conquer weekend outing). i feel like something is missing. and it is a bit. uncomfortable. while simultaneously being way more manageable. but still i feel like i am defined by my babies. and by hook. when i am out for a run no one knows i have nearly nine month old twins and a close to seven year old at home. no one knows i didn’t run the entire time i was pregnant. no one knows if i was up half the night with a teething crying baby. or two. and frankly no one cares. just like i have no idea what goes on with other people. yet i still feel like i need that as my shield. my measure of where i have come. i find myself focusing on how i ran a 5k. a 10k. a half marathon when the wigglers were whatever number of months old. or patting myself on the back for getting out of the house nearly every day with both of them. but secretly yearning for the days when we don’t have to leave the house. and it isn’t about anyone else. perhaps this is part of the strange disentangling with having “a job”. my identity is somewhat up for grabs. i am a mother. a stay at home mother. i feel like i need to justify why i don’t have a job. a job i willingly. and happily. quit. but i worry others will see it differently. i wish that wasn’t so. i wish i wasn’t trying to prove something. or at least i wish i knew what it was. i have never felt so simultaneously fulfilled. and adrift. i have hands down the best “job” in the world. i would not trade the moments i spend with my kids for anything. and yet i still feel like i need to make them mean something more. for all of us.

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3 Responses to “what am i trying to prove (or completely random babbling)”

  1. bionicbrooklynite 6 WedUTC2011-09-14T08:27:28+00:00UTC09bUTCWed, 14 Sep 2011 08:27:28 +0000 2009 at 8:27 AM #

    this motherhood gig is one hell of a mindfuck. i have thoughts about that, but it’s hard to formulate them without sleep. but it’s not just you.

    nor is it just you on the weight loss. i’m stuck at +15 pounds, and i hate how distracted i am by that. and how i am filled with RAGE every time i read a blog by someone who’s lost all the weight right away or see a skinny-again friend (how is it fair that the people who always get to be skinny ALSO get to be skinnier now? how is that fair? even fat, they’d be skinnier than me; i’m just asking them to share the pain a little)…and then i’m angry at myself for feeling angry about something i shouldn’t buy into thinking of as an issue of virtue. it sucks.

    and then i read a paper about how the amount of sleep a mother gets at 6 mo. pp is predictive of retained weight at 12 mo pp, and i can feel cheated in another way about not sleeping. how is it fair that the people who are sleeping also get to look good?

    we aren’t doing cloth diapers because i can’t justify the expense of a service and, without a dryer or more space or a washer that doesn’t drain into my tub, i can’t deal with doing it myself. and then i feel all jealous/guilty/annoyed/ashamed when i talk to or read blogs from people who are CDing, even if they aren’t trying to make me feel bad.

    in short, i’m a hot mess. and i just got it all over your blog. sorry about that.

  2. strawberry 6 WedUTC2011-09-14T09:46:15+00:00UTC09bUTCWed, 14 Sep 2011 09:46:15 +0000 2009 at 9:46 AM #

    I’m sorry it sounds like you’re having a hard time of it right now. You are definitely dealing with a lot. Whenever I have bad days, I just know that better ones are right around the corner. Hang in there. Try to do something nice for yourself.

  3. Defining Family 6 WedUTC2011-09-14T10:18:19+00:00UTC09bUTCWed, 14 Sep 2011 10:18:19 +0000 2009 at 10:18 AM #

    Wow… Sometimes I think you write the posts I can only think of writing these days. Since finding out I didn’t have a job to return to all these same things have been circulating in my brain. If our coffee shop ever opens again maybe a coffee date is in order? Thinking of you!

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