and just who are you anyway?

3 Nov

i find myself wondering this lately. not in a woo is me sort of way but in a how completely has your life flipped upside down and where did you land kind of way. babies shake up your entire world. what is it that commercial says: having a baby changes everything. absolutely true. having multiples i think does this in perhaps a bit more substantial way. not that it isn’t really difficult with one baby. heck sometimes i even think it is tougher since you don’t have one to distract the other. but still it all changes. in myriad ways. most for the better. some maybe less so. but it does make me wonder who i have become.

it sounds wrong to say that i fear i am only a mother. because that is first and foremost for me. my kids. being their mom is central to who i am. and it has made me someone i never knew i could be. in a good way. but sometimes i wonder if that is all anyone else can see. i feel weird when anyone asks about my employer or my employment status. i feel like i need to qualify it. i am a mother. but i am also a runner. and a wife. and a lawyer. and someone who loves to read. and discuss philosophy. and have a drink with friends. i can be quite the introvert. i am a good friend. and i am reliable. my head is filled with bits of useless information (unless i go on jeopardy then it might be useful). i have a strange ability to name the title and artist of xmas songs. there are so many different aspects of who i am. but they all seem to get washed away lately. i used to have a job. a paying job. that i hated. but even in hating it it helped to shape who i was. or who i saw myself as. and it also provided some statement to the outside world about my identity. society seems to think women should stay home to take care of their children. but when they do people wonder why they don’t work. it’s like you can’t win some pointless but continuous contest. i willingly left my job to stay home with the wigglers. and i don’t regret that for a second. but i must admit that i do miss being a part of something bigger. feeling like i belonged. and was needed in a different way than as a mom. my mind was needed. my ideas were valued (sometimes). and i had a say in things.besides bath time. and dinner time. and what the kids are going to wear today.

i tend to put unrealistic expectations on myself. i think most people do. but it gives me something to strive for. i think the difference with this lately though is i feel somewhat guilty when i don’t finish something. like i am disappointing myself. and my family. like i lack the follow through i should have. i wonder how much of an active participant i have been in my life as of late. it seems that things just keep happening and in a way i have checked out from them. most days this is fine. but i am removed. both physically. and mentally from much of what is going on in the world. and i need to find a way to get involved. i need to branch out. leave the house without my babies. join a book club. meet some new people. talk to some old friends. maybe then i can get back to who i am. in addition to being a just mom.

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3 Responses to “and just who are you anyway?”

  1. lis 6 ThuUTC2011-11-03T20:26:30+00:00UTC11bUTCThu, 03 Nov 2011 20:26:30 +0000 2009 at 8:26 PM #

    i just wanted to say hi
    things are so different now for all of us. missing blogging and our community so wanted to reach out and let you know im always happy to see a post from you, even if i don’t comment.
    xoxo
    lis

  2. bionicbrooklynite 6 FriUTC2011-11-04T20:06:37+00:00UTC11bUTCFri, 04 Nov 2011 20:06:37 +0000 2009 at 8:06 PM #

    “it’s like you can’t win some pointless but continuous contest.”

    EXACTLY.

  3. catsandcradles 6 MonUTC2011-11-21T22:42:29+00:00UTC11bUTCMon, 21 Nov 2011 22:42:29 +0000 2009 at 10:42 PM #

    I’m struggling with this myself at the moment; all the more so because I’m currently something of an involuntary stay-at-home mom. I wish I had more of use to say, but at the least, I know what you mean. (Except for the bit about multiples.)

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