so how exactly does this work

12 Jun

when you are a kid you go to school. you play sports. or join clubs. or do things. and you make friends. but then you grow up. and graduate high school. college. grad school. law school. whatever. and a lot of your friends move away. or you move away. and some of the people you meet through work are great. fantastic even. but aside from your jobs there is no overlap. no common bonds. no kids to discuss. or hobbies that are similar. and you find yourself close to 33 and spending most of your time with people under the age of 8. fun, but challenging all the same. so seriously….how do you make friends as an adult? i am not a very good “joiner”. i never have been. i’m actually quite horrible at it. i get insecure and feel like i don’t know what i have to offer. i can be quite introverted. and that introversion often leaves me feeling a little bit alone. and lonely. like i don’t have people around me to talk to. spend time with. confide in. or just be around. there is a local twins club here. that i am a part of. peripherally. i can’t say i have met any of the members. well – not true. two now defunct members that i do see on occasion. and whom i enjoy the company of immensely. but as i said – i’m not really a joiner. i have attempted to reach out to a few people. but schedules don’t connect. or it doesn’t work out for whatever reason. being home with the wigglers is amazing. i love (almost) every minute of it. the screaming and throwing things could make it a bit happier. but it is also isolating. there are many days where i speak to no one besides babies and animals until i retrieve my seven year old. and then hopefully m gets home so we can chat for a bit. it’s a shift. a huge shift. from my “former life”. i had a job where i was in meetings. a lot. i spoke to people. clients. customers. representatives. colleagues. and even if i wasn’t in meeting all day there were always people around. i do have friends here. a few at least. and i know that in a bind i could call on them and they would come through (i hope). but seriously i am wondering how you meet those people that you call just because – for coffee. a drink. a walk. a cookout. with or without your kids. not because you need help. or a babysitter. my closest friends live hundreds if not thousands of miles away. we text. we email. we talk on the phone. and when we are lucky  – we see one another once or twice a year. and i love that i have those connections. that those people are still there as such an integral part of my life. but i guess what i am saying is i am a bit lonely. and i am wondering how to change that. i like to think i am pretty good friend. relatively reliable. my children are generally easy to deal with. and heck – i even have chickens in my backyard. now if that isn’t a selling point i’m not sure what is…

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6 Responses to “so how exactly does this work”

  1. Cindy 6 TueUTC2012-06-12T21:23:20+00:00UTC06bUTCTue, 12 Jun 2012 21:23:20 +0000 2009 at 9:23 PM #

    long time, glad to see you back. i totally get what you’re saying. for me, though, i wonder how you meet people as a couple (especially since v & i have moved a lot). in college, you meet people so easily, and even as a single person, you just go to a bar or whatev. but meeting couple friends can be harder. and kids make it harder. i get it, though. i call my bff (who lives hundreds of miles away) just to see what’s up. but no one here in the city we live in, and that kind of bums me out.

  2. strawberry 6 WedUTC2012-06-13T10:18:10+00:00UTC06bUTCWed, 13 Jun 2012 10:18:10 +0000 2009 at 10:18 AM #

    Yeah, it’s definitely hard to make close friends when you’re an adult. Top areas seem to be co-workers, neighbors, other parents in your kids’ school or daycare, and hobbies if applicable. You could also check out the Meet Up groups online, I’ve heard good things although haven’t tried it myself.

  3. Isa 6 WedUTC2012-06-13T10:55:47+00:00UTC06bUTCWed, 13 Jun 2012 10:55:47 +0000 2009 at 10:55 AM #

    I’ve found most of my mom-friends through meeting other bloggers (it’s like an almost-blind date, especially for our spouses!). But in your case, I’d say go to a meetup for something that is NOT child-related. Something that you are interested in that isn’t your kids. And then keep going to the events and talking to people for a few months. Mom groups are great, but it never seems to get much beyond what our kids are up to, so do a book club or a wine-tasting group or anything you like that lets you be an interesting adult. Hopefully you’ll meet other interesting people there that will eventually be the kind of friends you can just hang out with. It’s hard, but possible!

  4. Bionic 6 WedUTC2012-06-13T14:04:16+00:00UTC06bUTCWed, 13 Jun 2012 14:04:16 +0000 2009 at 2:04 PM #

    This is maybe one advantage to living in a small apartment in a big city: I have to leave the house often, and so does everybody else. Furthermore, lots of us rely on community spaces — community gardens, bars to see friends or have kids’ groups (in the morning, in the morning) — so you’re kind of forced to meet people. The one moms group that met regularly I tried to join drove me nuts; I’ve met more local people I actually get along with through the Internet and the garden. All the same, it’s definitely harder than college.

  5. gaybyrabies 6 WedUTC2012-06-13T14:22:58+00:00UTC06bUTCWed, 13 Jun 2012 14:22:58 +0000 2009 at 2:22 PM #

    If you ever find out, let me know. Really this sounds a lot like my life. We did a bit of moving around for college and grad school. We were the first of our circle of friends to have kids. As soon as we had kids, all the friends that remained vanished really really quickly. I try to tell myself that I don’t need people who won’t accept me in my new role as a mother, but it’s hard. Nothing to crush your self esteem like being abandoned by your entire social circle. I tried a moms of twins group too, but most of the members are reluctant to do anything that is not a group sanctioned activity. i.e. – they seem perfectly friendly on the group sponsored museum playdate, but show no interest when you invite them for a bbq at your house. It sucks bigtime to have nobody to call for a cup of coffee spur of the moment pizza night. I know this doesn’t really answer your question about how to meet people, but maybe it’s helpful to know that it’s not just you. And yes, I think chickens are an excellent selling point.

  6. Kirsten 6 FriUTC2012-06-15T11:23:58+00:00UTC06bUTCFri, 15 Jun 2012 11:23:58 +0000 2009 at 11:23 AM #

    No advice but I know a little about how you feel. Only a little cause, you know, my babes only 5 months 🙂

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