it’s beginning to feel a lot like…

20 Dec

insanity? thievery? pure exhaustion? or maybe all of the above. the wigglers are now officially two. last year it seemed so momentous. i think i my mind i have idealized it. we had a plan. and a party. and amazing cakes m made. and this year it was less hoopla and more survival. lets be honest – they don’t care if they have a birthday party. they would not know the difference. or maybe they would. but we have no family here. amazing friend – yes. and people closer to us than actual family, but the point remains it just seemed like too much. for some reason the past few months have been harder. perhaps because of the colder (but not really MN cold) weather and less chance to run amok. or the increased monkey climbing antics. or m and i both having an increased work schedule. but seriously i feel way more exhausted right now than i did last year at this time. or maybe that isn’t true. but i have just sufficiently blocked it from my mind. i was trying to make an appt today with my doctor for my migraines. i haven’t seen him in over a year. i was opposed to taking my preventative while bfing. but then when i thought i was towards weaning i asked for a refill. wish granted. but then magoo kept up the bfing for a few more months and the migraines were somewhat tolerable. anyhow. today i call and he is scheduled out a bit. what is a bit. until july. hmm. so i leave a message explaining i am taking the to.pa.max again. and don;t know if i need refills or followup or what. the woman said we haven’t issued you an rx in over a year. my how time flies. or evaporates or something…

lately i am working late. and wrangling monkeys unwilling to stay in their cribs. and up early again. to begin again. all of which i value. and appreciate. but it is wearing. exhausting. m works crazy hard to run 10 stores. and she is tired. and i am tired. and something needs to be tweaked because i feel like i am missing out on a whole lot these days. we upped the nanny hours (amazing how differently your children behave for others). and it is stilla struggle to get everything accomplished. provide each kid with enough attention. hook is incredible. so so helpful. and kind. and he gets short shrift because he is older. and responsible. and knows the wigglers require more right now. not fair but rality.

and this morning to keep things fun my car was broken into. i should not be surprised. and yet i was incredulous. only looking for electronics apparently. my cord for my work laptop gone (only day i have EVER taken it out of my bag). phone chargers. a few dollars buried under donation receipts (irony at its finest). and my sweet boys kin.d.le fir.e. hook won a contest at school and could pick between a DS.3 or a kin.d.le. he picked the kindle because he loves to read. devours books. was in the midst of reading book five in the box car children series. he was sad. but said not to replace it. he would ask santa for it. same kid who offered me this very device last week after magoo threw mine to the floor and cracked the screen. he has this beautiful spirit. absolutely incredible. we have amazing friends and family. near and far. they pulled together and offered help immediately. but really it is just stuff. not life changin. not traumatic. just replaceable stuff. and hook gets that. but is allowed to be sad all the same. m’s mom immediately pulled through and ordered a replacement. my SIL’s friends offered to throw in money for another. and my other SIL extended an offer to get a replacement as well. when bad things happen you need to focus on the good. i believe this holds true for something as simple as a car break in to the horrific tragedies in newtown. i haven’t talked about it because it is overwhelming. and sad. i know people in that town. i grew up close to there. used to visit my earliest childhood best friend there after they moved from across the street. devastating is an understatement. but i refuse to let us all be beaten down. and cower in fear. of course i want to wrap my kids in a bubble. keep them there. home school them through college and then pick their significant others (not really). but it makes you hold so much tighter when the fragility and impermanence of life is thrust in front of you in such a violent and tragic way. so yeah. we lost some stuff today. someone took it. i hope they use the money to feed their family. or buy gifts for their kids. or alleviate their suffering however they need too. does it make it okay? no. but it helps me to sleep at night.

i keep throwing pebbles out there. little acts of good will. a book of stamps to a waiting line in the post office. a donation of toys to good.will. or shopping for a homeless family. it all counts. it all matters. i have to believe people are genuinely good. and kind. and caring. sometimes they just need to be gently nudged in that direction….

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2 Responses to “it’s beginning to feel a lot like…”

  1. allison-lee 6 ThuUTC2012-12-20T08:29:22+00:00UTC12bUTCThu, 20 Dec 2012 08:29:22 +0000 2009 at 8:29 AM #

    This time of year, although lovely, can be draining. You’re right about the twins not missing out on birthday celebrations. We’ll do something small for The Bean this year, but really it is just Too Much right now.
    Sorry to hear about the car break in, but how wonderful that you have such wonderful and generous people around you. And that Hook, what an amazing child. You guys are doing something (okay, a lot of things) right. 🙂
    All the best for the next few weeks and into the new year.

  2. Jackie 6 FriUTC2012-12-21T15:53:27+00:00UTC12bUTCFri, 21 Dec 2012 15:53:27 +0000 2009 at 3:53 PM #

    Exhausting and overwhelming and emotionally depleting. All of it. And yes, even though you’re fortunate to have the family you do, you’re allowed to feel that way! Wishing you a peaceful rest of the season!

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