i am that mom.

I am that mom.

a mama. a mother. a parent. a role model. a failure. and a super hero.

I am that mom who wasn’t sure she wanted kids because I was afraid I wouldn’t know what I was doing.

I am that mom that now knows that making it up as I go along is an acceptable parenting philosophy.

I am that mom who firmly believes her life would not be better without kids.

I am that mom who can’t imagine not hearing giggles or picking up toys or kissing boo boos, but sometimes gets exhausted by it all too.

I am that mom who believes her children are entirely better humans than her, but also knows that she may have had something to do with that.

I am that mom who breaks the rules when they need to be broken to maintain sanity, happiness, or just to make things a little easier.

I am that mom who believes in teaching her kids manners and courtesy and kindness and compassion and letting them know that they are so very important in the world, but the entire world does not revolve around them.

I am that mom who tries to focus on the positive things my kids do even when I am exasperated and cleaning up thrown food and finding lost mittens and trying to ignore the mounting pile of dishes in the sink.

I am that mom who does not parent by shame or guilt, but also doesn’t think my kids deserve an award for doing every little thing that they should be doing.

I am that mom who posts too many pictures and stories about her kids on FB because they do dominate my world.

I am that mom that tries not to judge other parents because I never know what they are going through.

I am that mom who sometimes can’t remember the last day I showered or if i cleaned the bathroom or when my son’s day to share at school is.

I am that mom that tries to smile every time one of my children walks into a room so they know just how happy I am to see them.

I am that mom who struggled with infertility for years and finally got pregnant through IVF with twins and was petrified and simultaneously excited the entire time I was pregnant.

I am that mom who wants nothing more than to stay home with my kids and watch them grow and change and step into their own selves. But when I am home with them for too long I often feel like running away and hiding. And then I feel bad about for feeling that way.

I am that mom who leaves the house in a shirt she slept in and pants she wore yesterday just to ensure my kid is at school on time.

I am that mom who is sad when one of the kids cries when she leaves, but also secretly enjoys it because it makes her feel important and consequential.

I am that mom who lingers in the kitchen to drink my coffee standing at the counter for an extra moment of peace.

I am that mom who cries when my children are out of control and I feel like I am failing them. And then laughs because I can’t find the answers I so desperately seek and I realize that they may not even exist.

I am that mom who apologizes and admits my mistakes to myself, my children, my friends, and my wife.

I am that mom who takes pictures of my child’s antics before telling them to stop.

I am that mom with children obsessed with fruit, but somewhat ambivalent about vegetables and I don’t push it.

I am that mom who occasionally gets frustrated at my kids for behaving entirely their ages and then feels bad about it. 

I am that mom who used to run marathons and now spends most of her time running after her kids and couldn’t be happier. Most of the time. 

I am that mom that sometimes desperately wants my kids to go to sleep so I can get a moment of peace, but once they do I want to go in and pick them up and feel their sweet sleepy breath.

I am that mom who wants to feed my kids only healthy nutritious organic foods, but sometimes resorts to boxed Mac n cheese and fish sticks and apple juice and realizes that is okay.

I am that mom who was a vegetarian before I was pregnant and now eats chicken and feels guilty about it.

I am that mom who cloth diapered my twins for 9 months because I thought it was good for the children and the environment and then said screw it when every diaper change turned into a WWE wrestling match. and I don’t really regret the switch.

I am that mom who loves to read with her kids, but some nights just wants them to lay down and put themselves to sleep without a book or a struggle.

I am that mom that makes promises to herself to change things, but often acknowledges that they just aren’t possible right now.

I am that mom who gets exhausted thinking about all the things I should be doing for my family and myself and my job, but am not and then feels like i should step up to the task but doesn’t.

I am that mom that puts my needs last and will do anything and everything to protect my children.

I am that mom who looks at pinterest and laughs and wonders what people have time to do these things. and secretly wishes I was one of them.

I am that mom who sometimes gives in and let’s my kids watch one more tv show, play one more game on the iPad or watch Cars twice in one day just so i can breathe and sit quietly for a few extra minutes.

I am that mom who feels bad that I work outside of my house, but also secretly enjoys the chance to escape some mornings.

I am that mom who is jealous that my kids behave better for the nanny than they do for me.

I am that mom that sometimes lets my kids snack on crackers and gummy bunnies and banana chips and doesn’t worry too much about making dinner.

I am that mom who has a full-time job, but doesn’t have full-time child care.

I am that mom who sees a therapist and sometimes cries when an appointment is cancelled or I can’t make it due to a sick kid or other life happening.

I am that mom who looks in the backseat of her SUV and thinks “oh my – I have three kids. How did that happen?!”

I am that mom who catches vomit in her bare hands and sleeps on hardwood floors and holds feverish children and wanders downstairs to get tylenol and cold face clothes at 3am.

I am that mom who thinks 8am is sleeping in.

I am that mom that sometimes gets excited when she gets a free hour to clean something.

I am that mom that suffers from insomnia and has running lists of things to do and ways to fix things running through my head. all the time.

I am that mom who suffered from postpartum depression and still feels guilty about it and wonders if my babies will forever suffer because of it.

I am that mom who took my twins out in a snow storm in January on the first day I was home alone with them to prove to myself I could.

I am that mom who got up at 3am to do dishes when my twins were a few days old because I wanted to just feel normal.

I am that mom who planned a family trip to disney with 13 month old twins because i was so worried my 7 year old would feel neglected with two new babies in the house.

I am that mom who dislikes how her body has morphed into something else entirely post- childbirth but doesn’t do much about it except get angry and sad.

I am that mom who sometimes has only coffee and wine all day long and then wonders why she is so hungry at 8pm.

 I am that mom that broke her kneecap when my twins were ten months old, drove myself to the hospital, and then refused crutches since I knew I would not be able to carry them if I had to use them.

I am that mom who wakes up at 5am to go for a run before everyone gets up so I can steal a few minutes of me time.

I am that mom that has one child who has always been so incredible and insightful and kind that I feel like it has almost created a set of impossible standards for the other two to live up to.

I am that mom who loves being close to my children, but sometimes would be happy if no one touched her for a few days.

I am that mom who wants to be able to understand and negotiate her children’s different and divergent personalities, but sometimes wishes they came with an instruction manual.

I am that mom who now is willing to carve out time to vacation with my friends without feeling too guilty about leaving my kids for a few days even though it took me four years before I spent a single night away from my eldest.

I am that mom who too often feels like she is juggling plates and wonders when one might drop.

I am that mom that will buy clothes for her kids and sign them up for sports and gets them new books and toys but stresses over buying herself a $25 shirt.

I am that mom whose only birth plan was to have healthy babies.

I am that mom who should be more involved in her child’s school but gets overwhelmed by the politics, the overly involved parents, and the plethora of misbehaving children.

I am that mom who needs a night out with my wife to just reconnect and feel like a woman again, but has no idea when she might get it.

I am that mom who holds my kids and myself accountable, even when it means I am the one who has to leave a good conversation or not go somewhere I want to.

I am that mom who went through labor, pushed for a few hours and then had a c-section.

I am that mom that feels like I am failing a lot of the time.

I am that mom who does laundry and dishes daily, but only vacuums ever few days and only dusts when expecting company. 

I am that mom who wants to get rid of everything to eliminate clutter, but still looks for the perfect toys and books for my kids every time I go out.

I am that mom who is easily intimidated by other parents and their kids even when I know I shouldn’t be.

I am that mom who had a massive hemorrhage, was knocked out, had several blood transfusions, and barely remembers the first few days of my twins life – including when their big brother met them.

I am that mom who wants other mom friends, but doesn’t want to be defined only as a parent.

I am that mom who loved being home every day with my babies, but knew she needed a break too.

I am that mom who rarely asks for help, but usually knows when she needs it.

I am that mom who doesn’t offer advice unless asked because I’m not sure I have any of the answers.

I am that mom who makes mistakes, says the wrong thing, loses her temper, apologizes, feels horrible about it, and wonders if I am ruining my children. 

I am that mom that has no extended family within a 700 mile radius and has a tough time trusting anyone else to watch my children.

I am that mom that makes snacks and meals and cleans up and works and tries to keep some semblance of order, but acknowledges that sometimes good enough really is good enough.

I am that mom that gets down on the floor to build Lego towers or do puzzles and eat pretend food. I am also that mom that sometimes says no I can’t play right now.

I am that mom that tells stories and reads books when she is exhausted and laughs at jokes that don’t make sense and researches her children’s questions.

I am that mom who worries when her kids are sick or hurt but doesn’t obsess.

I am that mom who can be calm and in control in a crisis.

I am that mom that sometimes plays games or checks email on my phone when I should be paying more attention to my children.

I am that mom who is consistent and set in her ways, but is willing to make changes on the fly to avoid chaos or a breakdown.

I am that mom who doesn’t cry over spilt milk. Unless it is thrown on the floor. Or poured on the newly cleaned carpets.

I am that mom with crayon marks on my walls and Lego pieces shoved in drawers and corners and matchbox cars under foot and baby dolls without clothes strewn about and books missing pages and tiny hand prints on nearly everything. 

I am that mom who can come up with a diversion quickly with some masking tape and cars or magnets and a cookie sheet, but isn’t ashamed to pull out my iphone and hand it over to assuage a screaming child either. 

I am that mom who always feels like I should be doing more, but can occasionally cut herself a little slack and realizes that I could also be doing much less.

I am that mom who saves for my children’s future and wants them to be whoever and whatever they want once they safely have a college degree in hand. 

I am that mom who believes in second chances and fresh starts and do overs. 

I am that mom who holds my children close, but knows they need a little room to become their own people as well.

I am a cab driver. A cook. An encyclopedia. A towel. A confidante. A friend. An authoritarian. A cleaner. A dancer. A worker. A chaser. A lawyer. A jungle gym. A high fiver. A negotiator. A fist bumper. A writer. A nurse. A hugger. A lap to sit on. A shoulder to cry on. And so so much more.

I am superhuman and subhuman.

I am that mom. 

 

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